'Posting'

No, I'm not talking about the upcoming NYSC postings or whatever in your head, I'm actually talking of 'posting'.

Posting - the act and process (trust me, it's both) of being rejected for employment.

Poster- this is the agency or company for which you seek engagement 

Postee - you, who is being posted.

Ever since my search for a 'something-to-hold-body' kind of job, I've come across different people, situations and of course 'postings', I'm still waiting, hopefully believing what they said, even when I know the implied meanings of their yarns, #sighs.

So, today I'll share my insight on some very common favorites of the 'posters'

'Thank you for your application, we will get back to you'

Translation: kpele dear, we know how much it cost you to pay that guy to arrange your CV, he tried oh, but, he also did the same for one-third of the other applicants.

'Very impressive, we will get back to you'

........note how all the posting lines all end with .....we will get back to you.

Translation : beautiful CV, wonderful cover letter, but, Kai, my oga has already put his niece in that position. Keep hunting, you will survive.

'We are not hiring right now, but I'll keep you in mind'

Do you really need a translation, this is as plain as it gets, even though you know that Usman told you they are hiring and he just got his niece a spot.

All the above are postings on initial application, now these ones are after maybe an interview or two

'We ( I ) would really want to work with you, you are what we are looking for, we would give you a call for the next stage'

Translation : now this is very tricky, fact is they might actually want to have you on board, you might indeed be what they are looking for, buh all that one na tori, get on your lappy and start resending applications because you have just been posted, and on a very long thing. 

'The position has already been filled'

Yes oh, this is a posting line, even after passing the exam and one interview, and I don't think you need a translation for this too but if you insist

Translation : how the hell did you get this far, abeg give us chance, more valuable people are waiting.

Also I noticed that contrary to popular beliefs, there are jobs in Nigeria, there just aren't enough qualified candidates for the job. How can you say you are an accounting grad with the very common 1st class honors and you don't even know where debit side should be in a balance sheet! 

Oh yea, another thing about this job hunting of a thing is networking, though it has carried on various non dignifying names like 'long legs', it is a very important tool, I know some people will start giving me some funny eye gestures, but lemme ask this question

Why would you call getting a job through a friend I met at a conference corruption but call getting the same job through Sister Nkechi in church 'favour'? Answer me oh.

The world is changing dear GNG memoirs readers, please don't get left behind, adapt.

Yours.......soon to be poster 

A.D

Life after the gate!

So to God be the Glory oh, I'm now a graduate of petroleum engineering from a vewi.....controversial higher institution. Let's not go into the details buh, it's the the best private university in Nigeria......see, I told you it was quite controversial, I can see you yimuing at your screen. Arrange your face joor.
Ehnn, as I was saying, June 29 was the historic day oh. Firstly, I never imagined the kind of exhaustion I experienced that day, Jisoxxxx just convocation oh, I'm too scared to imagine wedding sef. It was very memorable, got lotsa awesome gifts and money too ;)


So....I'm back now, and as scary as it sounds, even though I'm still waiting to serve, I'm unemployed, and....damn, this life is not what I envisioned, now I understand why it is believed that students are more buoyant than the unemployed.
It's been a week since I got back home and I guess I've completed my initiation into the brother.....sorry 'sisterhood of the convertible couch' (SCC), u know, convertible couch, in the sense that even though it's a couch, it can be transformed to absolutely anything.....except for *the white house*.


Having gone through the initiation process, i think I should pass the knowledge to intending members ;)

Now the choice of couch should be chosen carefully, anything leather is an absolute no-no. It has a way of making you uncomfortable, and at the sisterhood. We can't have that cauz our motto is 'no place like home' :)



Depending on your membership, choose your couch, for short time members like me, we use couches, really soft warm, cotton fabric upholstery, buh for very long time members, y'all allowed to upgrade to a bed, u know what I mean ( hehehe;) )



Since I'm only a short time member, I only know abt my pips ;)
Now to my fellow couch comrades *raises clenched fist in the air* your couch of choice should at least be able to sit 2, I.e a 2-seater, be close to the essential rooms of the house (restroom and kitchen) and should compulsorily have space for the remotes, yea remotes cos you'll be doing lots of surfing on TV and if you are home alone and dont have younger ones to use like me...you'll definitely need a mobile remote holder both for Convinience and function :)



Other gadgets needed includes your laptop or iAnything, iPad preferably, your phone which must be Internet enabled and, hmmnn........oh yes, recharge card so you can call other pips in the house to get your your food, I mean, i don't think u'ld want to walk allllll the way to the kitchen everytime you need to chew or actually eat :)
So now you have your gadgets, your 'couch sweet couch' and...I think you are good to go.



And to those who think this package is quite demanding and can't quite afford to enjoy this bundle, never mind, there's the weekend package :) same rules, shorter enjoyment, I personally recommend this, I mean, laziness has saved some people's lives ;)




Yours......from my couch



A.D

Awkward Moments

I’m so so sorry dear esteemed readers, this work no be beanz oh, I literally sleep with my laptop bag still on my shoulders when I get home, I’ve been unavoidable busy, pls bear with moi.

 Yea, lets talk about awkward and uncomfortable moments, I have some, heard some, and I’ll love to read some of yours.

• The very famous elevator moment. Mhmm, when you happen to enter an elevator and there’s this very nasty, rotten egg, dustbin smell (obviously its fart!) and there’s this very good looking babe or dude all alone in there already, and for some reason, they start explaining how they met the smell there when you start yimu-ing. (Like say u ask them anything) and just when you are 3 floors to your destination, a very attractive lass or dude majestically floats in, and for some reason, maybe because you were a lil shabbily dressed that day, they stare at you like you did it….and then YOU start doing the explanation wey dem no send u!
• Kai, this one’s so awkward, in short, its embarrassing. You work at a place that claims to have an open door policy and use first names (we all know that a cleaner will never call the manager by name, shoo, u want make dem sack u) and your boss is a good person……….o.k, lets imagine u are a lady and ur boss is a man, you don’t want to give any suggestions, but you notice his zipper’s down and you think, u are actually seeing flesh, just as you are about to speak up and give him a very platonic-no-hidden-agenda nudge, he traces your line of sight and notices you’ve been starting below his belt for the past 2 mins!.............told u this was embarrassing and awkward………….oh it didn’t happen to me oh!
• The ladies will relate to this more. You know when you find yourself in that kind of crowd where you really cant feel the floor, you are literally floating in the crowd. You happen to have finished whatever the crowd was for and you are swimming your way to fresh air, away from the body odours and breath taking smells of cheap, choking, assorted N300/bottle mallam perfume, and eureka, your feet finds the floor and in between that moment of taking a deep fresh breath and taking the first step………..taawaii, another struggling brother who just swam out has mistakenly or purposely slapped your butt hard, so hard, everyone turns to see your reaction………..Well, what’ll be your reaction?
• This one’s funny and awkward too. You just got a job, excited as can be, you actually woke up early, but was stuck in a very nasty hold-up, and then trying to make a good first impression at work, you drive like a mad man just to get to work on time, and getting to a T-junction, you do a very badt chancing and go infront a very tush B.M.W, and when the driver stretches his head from the window asking why, for some reason, instead of apologizing, you tell the driver to come and enter your front now, adding that, if he wants to scratch his car, he should come and drag with your Mercedes 190! You get to work, just 5 minutes before, ‘late’, after being shown your table and all those nice things they do, you are introduced to your boss, and……………..voila, he’s the guy in the tush B.M.W!

I know some of you will just  go to your desk and pack, lol.

I’ld love to hear your own awkward moments.

Yours………………………

A.D