Regrowing the Umbilical Cord

Its a Saturday afternoon with nothing to do, Feranmi is seated at his work desk staring into space but fully aware of the location of his smart phone. The phone dings and his neck twitches, but his gaze unfazed as though he remembers.

"Guy ignore the phone"

"Addiction no be only cocaine o"

"See as your body dey shake"

"Oya stand up give me 3 reps of push ups"

Feranmi and his inner voices have condemning and uplifting conversations.

He quickly jerks up and hits the floor and while on the second rep, another ding sounds simultaneously with a ring at the door. He quickly jumps up and runs to the door muttering "Thank you Jesus" under his breath.

"Guy how far ?", its Jonathan his accountability partner/fellow phone addict/best friend

"Omoooo, this thing hard o. How did we get here? Where your own phone Jona?" Feranmi asks

"Ah, I leave am for house, I buy one small kpalasa, see am", Jonathan says as he flashes his 2-day old feature phone, "at least for calls and texts. To think that it took your niece to let grown men realize their addiction" replies Jonathan.

"Again I ask, how did we get here?" Feranmi asks as they both sink into the sofa in Feranmi's living room.

Just then a very faint ding rings, vaguely audible to the human ear but deafening to the new rehab patients. Simultaneously, they both twitch their heads, look at each other and burst into a hearty laugh.

"Why you never off that thing?"

"I don try but what of Cynthia"

"Wait, you didn't tell her? You didn't tell your fiancée that you were going on a screen fast? Even now that we're here, if she's indeed the one sending that message, are you supposed to answer abi you're now telepathic. Wow, Glory was right, your sense don reduce."

"Na your own sense reduce" retorts Feranmi

"But honestly though, you should have told her, you don't just go off on women like that, if she's anything like my sister, she go don think plenty scenarios full her head. You better call her."

Feranmi gets up to get his phone but is pulled back by Jonathan as he hands him his own phone, he dearly beloved kpalasa.

The above scene depicts the sad yet common realities of a lot of adults in todays generation. Even more sad is the fact that only very few admit to the truth of addiction to their devices. It's as though, over the years and with each 'brilliant' app launch, we weave a new umbilical cord tied to our phones.

If as adults, we become addicted to our devices, how then can we be able to help the next generation. Research has shown a plethora of information on the dangers of excessive use of smartphones, but with the debut of every 'life-changing' app, it becomes more and more of a necessary evil.

The aim of this post isn't to demonize smart phones but to highlight what the good Book says, 'Let your moderation be know to all men.'

PS...Isn't it ironic that you have to read this on a smart phone, lol. Remember however, that the same snake that bit the Israelites in the wilderness is the same that had to be molded for them to gaze upon to get their healing.

Ihunaya na Ihe (Love and Light)

Yours in recovery,

A.D

All things, for my GOOD!

 

In my little sojourn here on Abba's precious green dot, I have realized that one of the most powerful things to understand is that, there are always 2 sides to every event. Becoming a widow at 28 was one of the most powerful things that happened to me at that point and I got to understand that GRIEF is such a powerful emotion (ok, I've used powerful a lot, lol, but I hope you get the point). It plunged me into my second faith crisis. The first was plainly due to curiosity (I read some material that carried me go where I no know and I wasn't strong enough to understand the purpose or ask myself the right questions).

I was at a gathering of amazing young women a while back and someone emphatically said, 'All bad things come from the devil', while I don't necessarily disagree, my contemplation was on whether she had a fair measurement on what she labelled as bad. Let me explain with a story.

In Lagos, there are 2 very big scam statements - 

    The Island = enjoyment and 

    All weekends are lit.

While you can argue on the latter, the former is so factual that it's a sure conversation starter with any Lagosian (Try it and come and testify). The reason the Island does not emphatically equal enjoyment, asides the massive false lifestyle, is the TRAFFIC, and the exorbitant prices of EVERYTHING! Stay with me pls. On this faithful day on Fashola's Island are 2 young men, lets call them Mr A and Mr B. 

A lirru backstory - Mr A is a graduate of University of, sorry, a Federal University (before una wipe me USB), Computer Science, Second Class upper graduate, life has happened to him and he needs N9,500 to be able to enter night bus to go to PH for an interview. His dad's debtors have threatened to take his 13 year old sister as wife and needless to say that his whole family has fasted and prayed that he gets it and as a sharp guy, he believes he will. 

Mr B is a 40 year old tech bro, married to the female, (its important to specify these days 🙄) love of his life, who was diagnosed 🤦(abeg, help me put another fancy word) with PCOS, thus she medically has issues conceiving, amidst suffering depression other mental health issues because she's pushing 40 too, she miraculously conceives and is near full term (what God cannot do does not exist, I'm sorry I couldn't resist 😄).

The interview is tomorrow, Mr A has already rescheduled twice and the company has been gracious enough to indulge him twice. He rescheduled because he couldn't meet up with sales. 

Mr A is popcorn hawker on Lekki-Epe. 

Mr B's wife has been having slight pains on her right lower side and this morning, she starts bleeding and also complains of intense abdominal pain. 

Mr A specifically prayed that God created the biggest TRAFFIC Google map has ever seen so he can be able to make up his balance and make the interview. 

Mr B, while rushing his wife into the car is frantically praying he somehow maneuvers every TRAFFIC and is able to get to the hospital before his wife passes out.

Now back to you, dear reader, assuming you are able to choose, knowing fully well, the consequences of your decision, which will it be - traffic, or no traffic?

True, the Bible speaks on how all good and precious gifts come from God, but have you stopped to think that God also created the devil and is STILL letting him live because He has use for him!

After my second crisis of faith, and being painfully introverted, God sent my friends at Heaven's Gate Academy to me and used them to help me understand the weight of the statement 

GOD IS GOOD!

Realizing that like the uniqueness of saltiness to salt, God's goodness is true and pure and like the picture above, He is the only one who is able to see, I mean, truly SEE in all dimensions and do that which is, in its essence, GOOD. If Jesus' death, which was seen at the time as the greatest BAD and even celebrated in hell as victory, was in essence, the greatest GOOD ever done to man, how then, can we truly call a thing, or event, BAD?

Am I happy that my hubby left home and never came back because he died in a car accident at the junction to our house and it was hidden from me for 2 days, absolutely NOT, but I understand that God let it happen for good.

Olakunle Soriyan, my uncle (na lie o, he's someone I realllllyyyy respect and admire and would love to be mentored by him) once spoke about how he doesn't have any prayers against the devil cos they (Uncle K and devil) are both agents reporting to the same boss (but really, I'm serious about being mentored by him, if you can epp me, reach me personally here). So because he understands this, he looks for the purpose in whatever event that happens to him because there always is.

So my dearly beloved, this post don dey long, the aim of my ranting is to let you understand that nothing is really BAD, if you check am well, you just don't know the reason yet....and might never know, and that too is OK. Know this and know peace.

Peace out🤞(I didn't see the peace sign, manage this)

Yours firmly rooted in the Lord Jesus 😇

A.D

 

Becoming Mrs…….

Yes, in a couple of days, I’ll be Mrs somebody, and the planning has been #@$%#$%. Jeeeeeeezzz, there’re so many things needed to be done nowadays, you have to;

• have a bridal shower, 
• have asoebi, 
• create hashtag, 
• do pre-wedding shoot, 
• task your bridesmaids and collect ya moni, 
• have committee of friends and task them too, 
• buy wedding gown, 
• rent hall (with prices looking like house rent) and 
• ontop of everything, you still have to arrange for transportation and accommodation for your guests. For heaven’s sake, I don’t think the couple of the wedding at Cana, in the Bible, organized bus for Jesus and his mama, they found their way na.

Everyone sees an intending couple as an avenue to make quick money, the annoying part is that phrase, ‘it’s a once in a lifetime event oh, so do it well’. Of course I want to do it well, but then do I really need bridal shower, do I need pre-wedding video, do I need to take lessons to do dramatic entrance biko, whatever happened to dancing in joyouslywith your hubby. I don’t think my mum had bridal shower and she and my dad are still loving up like teenagers. The pressure in this wedding business is out of this world, chineke! First, they pressure you to marry, ok, ekenedilichikwu, you find man to marry, then they pressure you on things to do for the wedding, and Bella and all those annoying blogs aren’t even helping matters.


Why can’t we just elope and go to a church and be blessed and continue life…………ok I think I’m just venting, I can never elope, not if I’m still my mother’s daughter, because she will pray my plans to scatter and pray me back home! Sounds like jazz, but trust me, its pure and unadulterated prayer. My mum is one of those people that can pray NEPA to bring back the light and, Voila! Yope, I have one of those literal prayer warrior mothers.


Ok, maybe I’m just angry at how much weddings cost these days, no wonder men want to be millionaires before they even start thinking marriage. Everything costs money, even in church, you pay, and the nonsense dollar, abi oil, has affected everything, even tin tomatoes is not as red as it used to be sef, jollof rice in parties these days are looking more and more confused. I’ve come to realize, that those marrying in this economy really love each other. In fact, I won’t be surprised if there are men pegging their marriage to a $100/barrel economy and to those ones I say, wehdone sirs!


Inshort, I’m tired, we’ll share the food and collect gifts right after church, we’ll save the house rent, sorry, hall rent money and payment for DJ and MC and, YESSS save the souvenir sharing episode, y’all don’t need souvenirs to know we are married, the child naming in 9 months should clear all doubts.


Yours…………in transition (like metamorphosis into a wife, not obituary biko)



A.D

Number 2

Here I am, surrounded by all these great people; fashion tycoons, talk show giants, philanthropist, photography icons, TV giants, Tech Whiz, everybody here has a dream, a vision, one burning desire or the other, they are all talking about passion and purpose. I know I have one of those too, I’m know im special too, but I can’t seem to lay my hands on it, maybe I wasn’t meant to have one, maybe we all aren’t meant to have a passion….But the preacher said God made everyone for something, that we all have a purpose and we should find it in order to start living.

…..Well Preacher man, I’ve been searching a long long time for mine, gotten frustrated, seems I’ve got the proverbial hand of Midas I’m frustratingly good at everything I set out to do: Fine arts, Writing, Modeling, Speaking, Music…hold up, I haven’t tried music, maybe my passion is in music……but what if its not, what if its just a hobby just like the others, what if im just meant to lead the bathroom all stars choir like every other aspirant like me *fist bump in the air*

Been thinking a lot lately and Ive realized something, the preacher man lied.

Yeah I said it, they all lied, we cant all be number one, we cant all be ‘bests’, if we r all billionaires, who will work for us, if no one will do 9-5 jobs (which in reality is 7:30am-6pm or 7pm depending on the distance to your house) then who will work for the visionaries, If everyone wants to be 2baba, who will buy his CDs, If everyone wants to be Mark Zucherberg, who will use Facebook?

I might not be the number 1 artist or writer/blogger or speaker, but I know one thing that’s the only thing that can pass for a burning desire and passion, I know I love to help others get to be number 1, maybe that’s the almighty calling on my life, to help people achieve their dreams, to lend my shoulders to others to climb, to be the number 2 in the background, the Bartholomew among the disciples of Jesus, the Gail to Oprah,

It will be tough I know, backstage isn’t full of camera and lights, no one is really interested in what goes on there….ok, maybe just a few, but Its ok, I find fulfillment being the one who smacks your head and tells you ‘yes you can’

So in the mean time, Imma go try out music outside the bathroom *wink*

Your number 1 fan,

A.D

Frenemy

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Everyday I watch people make very avoidable mistakes, mistakes primarily rooted in bad company, or wrong company. In life, there are 3 kinds of people, even Jesus our master had theses classes of people in His cabinet.

The Comrades: Now these are category my sister would call ‘frenemies’, they aren’t your enemies neither are they  your friends, they are the people you come across who are in your life just cauz you both have a common enemy, an example would be, the Christian Association of Nigeria (CAN), now in this group, we have all sorts of denominations of ‘Christians’, both those with similar beliefs and those with conflicting beliefs, this association brings them all under one umbrella to fight a common enemy, it will be a great disservice to oneself to consider a comrade as  friend.

Constituents:  This is the category of people often mistaken to be opportunists, the truth is that they may seem so, but they are there for purpose, these people love your vision, they love your ambition, they are the ones who, really will work for you, these people are with you when the going is good, they will HELP you, build your vision, but as good as they may seem, it is only good we take advantage of these set of people and utilize their seeming “love” for us, cos the truth is they only love your persona, not necessarily your person, these people should on no condition be confused with the next category of people, they are only there to help your vision, not necessarily your person, on no account should you expose your weakness to them, as helpful as they may seem, they can cause a man’s downfall.

One funny thing about constituents is that at first glance everyone criticizes them, but the truth is that EVERONE get to be a constituent in someone else’s life. Jesus was the only human who walked this earth and was a confidant to all

One must be very careful to determine and categorize each person accordingly, one of the very subtle reasons for high rate of divorces is because men marry their constituents, and then when the going gets tough, they vamoose.

Confidants: yes, just like their names, these are the real friends, the ones to show your weakness to, the ones to get married to, the ones who love your persona and your person, sometimes they don’t even necessarily benefit from you, they are put in your life to make you a better person, these are the ‘kepeers’, but unfortunately, because most times, people get more ‘attention’ from their constituents, they confuse these people’s place in their lives. So you have most guys marrying their constituents and when anything happens, it seems like these people never even loved themselves.

From a concerned youth,

Yours Sincerely,

A.D

Step into my thoughts 2

Yello dear readers, Step into my head is a series of my random thoughts,we had the first one here. I will be pouring them out occasionally and we would also love to hear your own thoughts too.

• What is it that people are always chewing in their sleep? Seriously speaking oh, and I'm not talking about all dem Africa magic, Nollywood  kinda sleep, I'm talking real life sleep, 'on the job' sleep or even the type of sleep we call 'crash'. The other day I happened to be in the room while my sister was sleeping and she was trying to change her position when I noticed her moving her mouth and making noises in the same manner as seen when eating a delicacy and to crown it all, after chewing, my lovely sister swallowed, and I kid you not, she actually swallowed. I had to leave the place cos the laughter that would follow would definitely wake her up. And no one needed to tell me that, that sleep was sweet! 
• TGIS : stop googling it joor, TGIS simply means Thank God It's Sunday. I know some of you are wondering how TGI can ever be followed by a day such as Sunday, well it should, and dats my own contribution to the growing world of 'laziness inspired abbreviations'. Who even started this whole madness sef, it's everywhere, even for serious matters like consoling the bereaved, we see things like TH, meaning Take Heart, or BS meaning Be Strong......ok, I just came up with those, but don't be surprised if it is already a thing. There are even the ones that drive me nuts, like 'k', what in God's name happened to the 'o' or even the 'ay' behind the 'k'.
• This is quite true though

And then they push guys to extents that they do this

Just to impress, na aw oh 

• Ehennnn, I recently heard a song oh, I hear it's by Justin Beiber oh, dat the name is ehnnnn.....as long as you love me. Hmmmn, Justin shouldn't come to Nigeria and be singing that song oh, imagine lines like.

'As long as you love me, we can be starving, we can be homeless, we can be broke, as long as you love, you'll be my platinum, you'll be your silver, you'll be gold.

Hmmm, I have no words to say.....we can be homeless, hmmn, brother Justin, no be so for naija oh, I'm sure dat song won't even trend in naija, here, homeless, starving and he even just summarized it all and said broke, Kai Kai, wen your mates are singing 'you MUST chop my money', you are inviting the poor babe to poverty. He didn't even make it subtle like MI and Waje. Justin, stop am if na joke oh.

I also understand the idea of introducing oneself saying 'my names are......', I feel its veryyyyyy wrong, a name (full name) consists of a 1st and last name, though different, they are still one and the same person, its just that, the more the number of names, the more specific and distinct the identification. Infact that is one of my greatest and 'hughest' (if there even a word like that) turn offs for me, what is 'my names are.....', kai #shrughs in irritation, but I think that one is even better, what in God's name is 'I am ......by name', before
Nko, are u Akpors by specie, abi are you Akpors by gender, what happened to the simple, 'my name is.....' or 'I am.....'Finish, not some yeye English
And i am sure it is one over sabi lesson teacher that started that revolution,chei, Naija my country! Only God can save us sha 


  Yours.......thoughtfully,

A.D

Ojuju

Saying I'm sorry wouldn't even begin to show how sorry I am, I've been caught up in so many things, some important,some, not so important,buh I'm back now,and hopefully, we'll never know a better yesterday.

Ok, so recently I've been into a lot of Yoruba movies, and funny enough I don't exactly understand the language, I have to be super fast to read the subtitles, plenty of which have errors, and I'm not talking typos or mild mistakes, I'm talking '#?!#!#*' kinda errors, cos you can't even understand what the intended message was let alone, correct them. 

This reminded me of an experience during a class in a summer school I and one of my besties organized just to keep body and soul together, we asked one of our students to write a letter to the local govt chiarman as regards the deplorable state of his constituency and methods and bla bla.......just one of those times u need to sleep small n u give the pupils something over their heads to give u enough sleep time :) So the assignment was given and after I had my fill of sweet 'on the job' sleep, I asked for the work.

Dear GNG memoir readers, I still can't understand what she wrote down, I couldnt even form professional teacher, I just had to laugh, poor child, she had written in English alright, buh it was either too outdated to understand or from sometime in the future, I couldn't hold myself, I'm so sorry swerieee. To worsen the matter, my dear pupil ended her letter with 'your Highness', instead of 'yours Sincerely', or the 'yours Faithfully' we all know, and this is no fabrication, true story. Note, she is meant to be in SS2! It is well with Nigeria.

Back to the Koko of this post, I've been watching more of Yoruba movies cos, regardless of what you might say, I think they have the richest of plots for their storylines, yes they might all have diabolical context, buh even in reality, a lot of things are very diabolical indeed, and ignorance is no more bliss but folly and this is not a post to convince you that all you see is not all there is, but that.......nah that exactly what I'm trying to do

You see the devil is very tricky (oh yes I'm preaching now), that's why I always say, if you don't know any greater power source (Jesus of course), don't mock the devil cos he still has rights over some people's lives.

You see, he knew he wouldnt have dominion over everyone so he introduced civilization, urbanization, all the modern things we believe" Scientology, astrology, all, these things which only believe in the seen visible things of the earth, they confine minds to only believe in what they see with their physical eyes, so when he works in the invisible and does evil, they (non-believers) go back to what they know, what he has given, science, reason, all to find tangible visible proofs for works of the invisible.

Ok, I hope I've not confused anyone. Sha, Afmag Yoruba hasn't only made me more aware of the presence of invisible forces, buh has also taught me that;

.not only do actions speak older than words, expressions too. The Yoruba language is so expressive, every word leaves your mouth in very awkward positions, even the word 'Yoruba' leaves your mouth open.

.all you need to do to remember anything is to stare longingly at the ceiling.

.its possible and very doable to have the same hair do for 12years and it'll not become attached to your real hair, it will even have the same, texture, the same color, the same shine.

.its okay for ghosts to have shadows, as far as they have powder poured all over their face and they are wearing white cloth.

.until your voice is loud enough to raise the dead, you aren't angry, or in science terms :) the higher the decibel in your voice, the higher the Intensity of your anger.

And finally, that subtitles are never 100% correct and thus I've learnt the meaning of some words....

Ma ri e laipe :)

Yours........Igbo and proud.

P.s, that simply meant 'see you soon'

Life after the gate!

So to God be the Glory oh, I'm now a graduate of petroleum engineering from a vewi.....controversial higher institution. Let's not go into the details buh, it's the the best private university in Nigeria......see, I told you it was quite controversial, I can see you yimuing at your screen. Arrange your face joor.
Ehnn, as I was saying, June 29 was the historic day oh. Firstly, I never imagined the kind of exhaustion I experienced that day, Jisoxxxx just convocation oh, I'm too scared to imagine wedding sef. It was very memorable, got lotsa awesome gifts and money too ;)


So....I'm back now, and as scary as it sounds, even though I'm still waiting to serve, I'm unemployed, and....damn, this life is not what I envisioned, now I understand why it is believed that students are more buoyant than the unemployed.
It's been a week since I got back home and I guess I've completed my initiation into the brother.....sorry 'sisterhood of the convertible couch' (SCC), u know, convertible couch, in the sense that even though it's a couch, it can be transformed to absolutely anything.....except for *the white house*.


Having gone through the initiation process, i think I should pass the knowledge to intending members ;)

Now the choice of couch should be chosen carefully, anything leather is an absolute no-no. It has a way of making you uncomfortable, and at the sisterhood. We can't have that cauz our motto is 'no place like home' :)



Depending on your membership, choose your couch, for short time members like me, we use couches, really soft warm, cotton fabric upholstery, buh for very long time members, y'all allowed to upgrade to a bed, u know what I mean ( hehehe;) )



Since I'm only a short time member, I only know abt my pips ;)
Now to my fellow couch comrades *raises clenched fist in the air* your couch of choice should at least be able to sit 2, I.e a 2-seater, be close to the essential rooms of the house (restroom and kitchen) and should compulsorily have space for the remotes, yea remotes cos you'll be doing lots of surfing on TV and if you are home alone and dont have younger ones to use like me...you'll definitely need a mobile remote holder both for Convinience and function :)



Other gadgets needed includes your laptop or iAnything, iPad preferably, your phone which must be Internet enabled and, hmmnn........oh yes, recharge card so you can call other pips in the house to get your your food, I mean, i don't think u'ld want to walk allllll the way to the kitchen everytime you need to chew or actually eat :)
So now you have your gadgets, your 'couch sweet couch' and...I think you are good to go.



And to those who think this package is quite demanding and can't quite afford to enjoy this bundle, never mind, there's the weekend package :) same rules, shorter enjoyment, I personally recommend this, I mean, laziness has saved some people's lives ;)




Yours......from my couch



A.D

Hunting Season

Haaaa, so we had a trade fair in my school and it was just like hunting season, except, this time, it’s the guys that are ‘hunted’ down to satisfy the insatiable wants of the ladies.

So, this year, I participated in the trade fair, so I wasn’t in the hunt, rather, I was an observer….like the referee. To really understand the situation, I would like to let you in on......some of the circumstances at this period. At this particular time in school, it’s very close to ‘end of month’ and the really fat 5 figure acct bal is now a dangerous 4 figure, also for the really sweet and family loving guys, they see this time to get stuff for their loved ones at home, oh, and also the ATMs in school have all been out for a while so Owu would be in the air, and a loaf of bread, would really be manna!

So with this scenario, let’s begin the reenactment. You happen to fall in the category above and its trade fair season, and, my God, I know it’s called trade fair, but I tell you some of the trade going on, is really not fair! (but mine was sha!)

Leke is well aware of the times and season, early in the morning, he just throws on some polo and heads to get breakfast…….lunch and dinner all at once to avoid coming out again! So anyways, he has successfully bought a pack full of ewa agoyin and bread and a pack of ewedu soup (sought out the allocation yourself!) and is headed back to his room, and  just as he is about to step back into his hall, Dele calls out and informs him that his own parents (Dele’s parents) are in school and would like to see him, excited and glad, he’s already calculating how much the minimum amount he would receive would be, he hurriedly gets to his room secures his all-in-one meal and hurries back outside only to find out that he missed them by a jiffy………frustrated and disappointed, he heads back to his room when..…..

‘Leke, Leke’, Shola calls out his name, and, busted, he turns to realize, this was Shola, the gurl he had been tracking for the past semester who always fronts and never has time for him, and he really likes this gurl……Well, the rest is yours to imagine!   

I stayed out long enough and, boy, I saw many funny/awkward moments. There was this……would I say couple,  I spotted them severally, going from stand to stand and the gurl would always be smiling and jumpy after every visit, but I never really saw the dude she was with, her face always sorta shadowed his face, but when I did…..boy did  I want to go and rescue this dude. You know that feeling when you are pissed that someone ate too much out of your food, but it was you who invited him so you try not to frown too much…..Baba was not smiling at all, the dude’s face was like gathering storm! I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry……(wait, I have to laugh)

This is the time when those in relationships are glad they have a gurl, so every other gurl will have to maintain…..except you are the babe’s sister

O.k, so ladies abeg, trade fair is a season to purchase goods and make yourself happy, note YOURSELF, so abeg lets stop making guys miserable during this period, and guys, if you know you are a hot commodity, bera stack up before this season, at least for a ‘worst case scenario’

Yours……….in fat acct bal and red acct bal,

A.D

Awkward Moments

I’m so so sorry dear esteemed readers, this work no be beanz oh, I literally sleep with my laptop bag still on my shoulders when I get home, I’ve been unavoidable busy, pls bear with moi.

 Yea, lets talk about awkward and uncomfortable moments, I have some, heard some, and I’ll love to read some of yours.

• The very famous elevator moment. Mhmm, when you happen to enter an elevator and there’s this very nasty, rotten egg, dustbin smell (obviously its fart!) and there’s this very good looking babe or dude all alone in there already, and for some reason, they start explaining how they met the smell there when you start yimu-ing. (Like say u ask them anything) and just when you are 3 floors to your destination, a very attractive lass or dude majestically floats in, and for some reason, maybe because you were a lil shabbily dressed that day, they stare at you like you did it….and then YOU start doing the explanation wey dem no send u!
• Kai, this one’s so awkward, in short, its embarrassing. You work at a place that claims to have an open door policy and use first names (we all know that a cleaner will never call the manager by name, shoo, u want make dem sack u) and your boss is a good person……….o.k, lets imagine u are a lady and ur boss is a man, you don’t want to give any suggestions, but you notice his zipper’s down and you think, u are actually seeing flesh, just as you are about to speak up and give him a very platonic-no-hidden-agenda nudge, he traces your line of sight and notices you’ve been starting below his belt for the past 2 mins!.............told u this was embarrassing and awkward………….oh it didn’t happen to me oh!
• The ladies will relate to this more. You know when you find yourself in that kind of crowd where you really cant feel the floor, you are literally floating in the crowd. You happen to have finished whatever the crowd was for and you are swimming your way to fresh air, away from the body odours and breath taking smells of cheap, choking, assorted N300/bottle mallam perfume, and eureka, your feet finds the floor and in between that moment of taking a deep fresh breath and taking the first step………..taawaii, another struggling brother who just swam out has mistakenly or purposely slapped your butt hard, so hard, everyone turns to see your reaction………..Well, what’ll be your reaction?
• This one’s funny and awkward too. You just got a job, excited as can be, you actually woke up early, but was stuck in a very nasty hold-up, and then trying to make a good first impression at work, you drive like a mad man just to get to work on time, and getting to a T-junction, you do a very badt chancing and go infront a very tush B.M.W, and when the driver stretches his head from the window asking why, for some reason, instead of apologizing, you tell the driver to come and enter your front now, adding that, if he wants to scratch his car, he should come and drag with your Mercedes 190! You get to work, just 5 minutes before, ‘late’, after being shown your table and all those nice things they do, you are introduced to your boss, and……………..voila, he’s the guy in the tush B.M.W!

I know some of you will just  go to your desk and pack, lol.

I’ld love to hear your own awkward moments.

Yours………………………

A.D

Common Sense is not common

Uhnnn, my dearlies, I’m so sorry, I’ve been away hustling for a new I.T placement oh, and fortunately for us it clicked, thank God.

Ehhnnn, down to today’s matter, I’m sure the topic is not really new, but really common sense is not common oh, I always heard comedians joke about it but I have never really experienced it. Some people are just agbayas, I mean some things shouldn’t be done.

I took time out to enlist some of my top annoying ones

           ´          Blowing your nose in public. I mean c’mon even from nursery school we are taught to go to the toilet and do our business, but today I still see agbayas furiously blowing their nose in an office environment and giving you that haven’t-you-seen-someone-blowing-their-nose look! Like seriously, in an office.

           ´          Answering calls with a loud voice. This is sickening, they don’t even mind that they are discussing private matters, they’ll still speak as if they are quarrelling with the person on the other line, ‘ehheen, tell Nneka to warm the bitter leaf soup oh, yesterday it was tasting sa-ward and tell the pastor about the strange dreams I’ve been having....yes, especially the spirit wife’. The funny thing is that when they see how calls are meant to be answered (in a low voice), they start asking what the person is secretive about!

           ´          Peeping or outrightly staring at another person’s screen (computer or phone). Haba, I think this is the long term result of exam malpractice, even at old age, they just have to still copy the next person, stop looking at my computer, if you want to know what I’m doing, just ask, no be exam.

           ´          Constantly disturbing when someone is in the toilet. As in you have knocked and there was an answer, and you still come back 5 seconds later and ask, are you still there…….’no, it’s the shit talking to you’, I think the idea of locks to public rooms is to show that the room is either in use or out of use. If you can’t wait, go use another, DO NOT DISTURB shikena.

           ´          Shouting private answers publicly. This should be the worst, kai, I have seen this first hand. I was at my mum’s office when this pretty ‘aunty’ walked in, greeted everyone and walked up to Mrs. ShoutALot and whispered something in the latter’s ear to which she (Mrs. ShoutALot) shook her head and then ‘aunty’ turned to leave, when she was exactly at the middle of an office filled with young men, Mrs. ShoutALot then shouted ‘Oh Simbi, I think I’ve found one, come and take the pad, Is it heavy flow’, I still feel embarrassed for that aunty, she managed to feign a smile refusing the offer while managing to walk straight to the door as all the men gave her stares that could virtually speak.

These are just a few of mine, I’ld love to hear yours

Yours…………….sensibly.

A.D