Awkward Moments

I’m so so sorry dear esteemed readers, this work no be beanz oh, I literally sleep with my laptop bag still on my shoulders when I get home, I’ve been unavoidable busy, pls bear with moi.

 Yea, lets talk about awkward and uncomfortable moments, I have some, heard some, and I’ll love to read some of yours.

• The very famous elevator moment. Mhmm, when you happen to enter an elevator and there’s this very nasty, rotten egg, dustbin smell (obviously its fart!) and there’s this very good looking babe or dude all alone in there already, and for some reason, they start explaining how they met the smell there when you start yimu-ing. (Like say u ask them anything) and just when you are 3 floors to your destination, a very attractive lass or dude majestically floats in, and for some reason, maybe because you were a lil shabbily dressed that day, they stare at you like you did it….and then YOU start doing the explanation wey dem no send u!
• Kai, this one’s so awkward, in short, its embarrassing. You work at a place that claims to have an open door policy and use first names (we all know that a cleaner will never call the manager by name, shoo, u want make dem sack u) and your boss is a good person……….o.k, lets imagine u are a lady and ur boss is a man, you don’t want to give any suggestions, but you notice his zipper’s down and you think, u are actually seeing flesh, just as you are about to speak up and give him a very platonic-no-hidden-agenda nudge, he traces your line of sight and notices you’ve been starting below his belt for the past 2 mins!.............told u this was embarrassing and awkward………….oh it didn’t happen to me oh!
• The ladies will relate to this more. You know when you find yourself in that kind of crowd where you really cant feel the floor, you are literally floating in the crowd. You happen to have finished whatever the crowd was for and you are swimming your way to fresh air, away from the body odours and breath taking smells of cheap, choking, assorted N300/bottle mallam perfume, and eureka, your feet finds the floor and in between that moment of taking a deep fresh breath and taking the first step………..taawaii, another struggling brother who just swam out has mistakenly or purposely slapped your butt hard, so hard, everyone turns to see your reaction………..Well, what’ll be your reaction?
• This one’s funny and awkward too. You just got a job, excited as can be, you actually woke up early, but was stuck in a very nasty hold-up, and then trying to make a good first impression at work, you drive like a mad man just to get to work on time, and getting to a T-junction, you do a very badt chancing and go infront a very tush B.M.W, and when the driver stretches his head from the window asking why, for some reason, instead of apologizing, you tell the driver to come and enter your front now, adding that, if he wants to scratch his car, he should come and drag with your Mercedes 190! You get to work, just 5 minutes before, ‘late’, after being shown your table and all those nice things they do, you are introduced to your boss, and……………..voila, he’s the guy in the tush B.M.W!

I know some of you will just  go to your desk and pack, lol.

I’ld love to hear your own awkward moments.

Yours………………………

A.D

9 deadly phrases men use.

I read an article on the facebook page of a friend of mine about the 9 deadly words women use, knowing that there are two sides to a coin, this is for the ladies………..and men too, lol

It’s Okay: Be ye not deceived lasses, when he says it’s okay or ‘ I don’t mind’, it’s really not okay, and he actually minds……….like really minds, like its way off his comfort zone, actually, you mostly hear this when he’s still chyking you, when he knows that there are other prospects on the line, after he’s gotten you, you start hearing stuff like, ‘why don’t we……that way, we both win’, you only hear ‘it’s okay’ again either on vals day or your birthday………

Whatever you say: Assuming you both want to go out this weekend and you want the movies but he wants to swim, he gives you 5 reasons why, and you give him 10 reasons  why the movie is bera, then he backs out and lets you have your say, but note, If anything goes wrong, it on your ass!

If it makes you happy: Ol’ boy this is more deadly than number 2, note, if it makes YOU happy, he never said, ‘if it makes you happy, it makes me happy’, we just kinda always complete the sentence ourselves! Now If it makes you happy that you both go for Kike’s gig and it turns to be boring and you come back sighing and cursing and then he feels like he wasted his time trying to make you happy and you turn around cursing and sighing and feeling guilty……………..see!

Fine: two aspects to this ladies, there’s the ‘fine’ as a complement and there’s ‘fine’ as a reply and they are both not good………….duhhh, check the title, don’t mind me. When you ask him how you look in your  5 figure costing hairdo or your new Ferragamo or Vera wang outfit and all he says is fine, there’s trouble men, even though he stresses the syllables and says ‘fiiiiiiiiiine’, still same thing dear, he has mentally calculated how much you spent so when next he asks for a lil help with a project, you can’t say you can’t. As for ‘fine’ as a reply, whenever you ask about something that naturally demands a story-like answer and he says ‘fine’, girl, leave the man alone!

Jiffy: Ok, help me out here, how can you quantify ‘jiffy’ on the clock, we only have minutes, seconds and hours, right, so that gives him all the time  in the world, all he’ll ever need, so when he’s just closed from work on a Friday and he says he’ll be home in a ‘jiffy’, don’t bother , he’s with the hommies

Baby: I don’t know why men feel that ‘baby’ is a magic word that can lighten every matter and get them out of their mess……………..you forgot it was our anniversary even after having homemade 3-course candlelight dinner and you think calling me ‘baby’ will get you even a hug……… forgerrrrrrit!

Looking away: I know this is an action but babe this is a very audible action o! He’s like……….really, ………c’mon……….. you can’t, you wouldn’t  really pick Sucker Punch over Fast 5, then he hesitates and says ‘If it makes you happy’, y’all know what that means right.

Soooo: Yea, soooo is different from so, soooo simply means, conversation’s getting boring and he’s getting out of ideas, so means he’s still waiting for a favorable reply, note, ‘favorable’

I appreciate: Dude doesn’t appreciate jack, just saying this cause he thinks you expect him to, just trying to get you, I mean, if he appreciates your finger, you’ll show him your hand soon enough….

Haha, gotcha guys, I’m so sorry I had to spill ya beanz, still love y’all :-)

Yours……………..ever loyal

A.D

Common Sense is not common

Uhnnn, my dearlies, I’m so sorry, I’ve been away hustling for a new I.T placement oh, and fortunately for us it clicked, thank God.

Ehhnnn, down to today’s matter, I’m sure the topic is not really new, but really common sense is not common oh, I always heard comedians joke about it but I have never really experienced it. Some people are just agbayas, I mean some things shouldn’t be done.

I took time out to enlist some of my top annoying ones

           ´          Blowing your nose in public. I mean c’mon even from nursery school we are taught to go to the toilet and do our business, but today I still see agbayas furiously blowing their nose in an office environment and giving you that haven’t-you-seen-someone-blowing-their-nose look! Like seriously, in an office.

           ´          Answering calls with a loud voice. This is sickening, they don’t even mind that they are discussing private matters, they’ll still speak as if they are quarrelling with the person on the other line, ‘ehheen, tell Nneka to warm the bitter leaf soup oh, yesterday it was tasting sa-ward and tell the pastor about the strange dreams I’ve been having....yes, especially the spirit wife’. The funny thing is that when they see how calls are meant to be answered (in a low voice), they start asking what the person is secretive about!

           ´          Peeping or outrightly staring at another person’s screen (computer or phone). Haba, I think this is the long term result of exam malpractice, even at old age, they just have to still copy the next person, stop looking at my computer, if you want to know what I’m doing, just ask, no be exam.

           ´          Constantly disturbing when someone is in the toilet. As in you have knocked and there was an answer, and you still come back 5 seconds later and ask, are you still there…….’no, it’s the shit talking to you’, I think the idea of locks to public rooms is to show that the room is either in use or out of use. If you can’t wait, go use another, DO NOT DISTURB shikena.

           ´          Shouting private answers publicly. This should be the worst, kai, I have seen this first hand. I was at my mum’s office when this pretty ‘aunty’ walked in, greeted everyone and walked up to Mrs. ShoutALot and whispered something in the latter’s ear to which she (Mrs. ShoutALot) shook her head and then ‘aunty’ turned to leave, when she was exactly at the middle of an office filled with young men, Mrs. ShoutALot then shouted ‘Oh Simbi, I think I’ve found one, come and take the pad, Is it heavy flow’, I still feel embarrassed for that aunty, she managed to feign a smile refusing the offer while managing to walk straight to the door as all the men gave her stares that could virtually speak.

These are just a few of mine, I’ld love to hear yours

Yours…………….sensibly.

A.D

Dozie

No, Dozie is not the name of my latest crush and no, he’s not the name of my dream guy, Dozie (Dozy) is actually a noun (you remember that thing they taught in primary school, name of a person, animal, place or thing) it’s a name given to someone caught in the act of dozing……..mhmmm yea those nasty nods you do in public lecture and some lecturers class and sometimes even in Church (don’t even deny it).

So, I would not say I have never been a Dozy, I’m just not a regular offender…………..I remember my very first dozing……….chai, it was very very embarrassing as per, being a fyn gel n all, I no suppose fall hand and secondly, sitting in front of the lecturer, I suppose maintain to afoid further embarrassment. So I was in the very front row of the teacher…oh ma bad lecturer.  He was teaching those really strange things they teach in engineering math…….oh, I was in 100level, yes, he was teaching a very confusing something, all I saw were Greek letters, like literally Greek letters, all them β µ α Ω £..(oops, my bad), you sha get the drift and then that demonic breeze started blowing, oh, the soothing relief, the peace and tranquility, the way it meanders its way to get to all the sweaty places, the back, armpit (or arm forest) and the……..(what are you thinking now),the hair jore, esp. for the ladies when we make fringed hairstyles, the breeze finds its way to the ogoh, and then everything starts slowing down, the parallel lines in your note suddenly has a converging point and everything is woozy.

And then………….gbaammm, you have nodded all the way to your knees………..mhmmm, the first nods are the farthest and most embarrassing, well, in my case, I didn’t nod nod, like that…………who am I kidding, I nodded heavy, but to the side sha, good thing the lecturer didn’t see me, and my BFFs (Jalabia and 23, those aren’t their real names oh) were by my side and gave me the laughing I needed. Normally, Dozies when caught in the act would laugh it off and try and behave, but in my case………….I was shocked, I mean, I was listening, I knew everything that was going on, I possibly couldn’t have dozed off na, Haba, the last thing the lecturer said was………..was………..errrm……wow, so I was really sleeping. I sha looked around to ensure that my ‘rep’ was still intact and I wouldn’t be used for gist.

Mine was fair believe me, I’ve seen papas and mamas nod their way to clinics, as in, it’s really embarrassing, there was this guy I saw dozing, chai, it was really hooking him, I could see it. It was in Church oh, and I’m so sure this was demonic, like all those movies where demons will come to Church and be konking people and they'll be dozing. So homeboy was trying so hard to stay awake, but his eyelids were heavy, I would catch him literally shaking his head all in a bid to receive at least a Word. But I guess the spirit was wiling but the flesh…….the flesh no gree and so his eyelids locked and abros started. This should be part of the wonders of the world, maybe not the 8^th, but somewhere between the 11^th and 20^th, the amazing thing was that in all his nodding, not once did he hit anything, it was a wonderful scene, twas like he was being controlled from the waist, he would go all the way forward down to his knees and then start rolling side to side like a pendulum! It was an amazing sight.

That one might even be good small, morning devotion is the place!! Don’t even look away, yes you, you have being caught severally. I remember one day we came for devotion and we were all (including moi), nodding shamelessly and singing arrant nonsense. My dad got angry and asked us to all stand up, chai, he shouldn’t have, it was even worse, I never believed I could sleep standing, my lil sis was even worse she was so comfortable sleeping while standing that she dropped her hymn book (as per something left her hand and hit the floor, producing a sound), and babe no even bulge, ma dad saw her and started laughing from anger. Funny enough I remember what was taught that day: God answers prayers, even the most casual of them.

Would love to hear your own dozing experiences, don’t just come here and laugh at mine.lol.

Yours……………wide awake

A.D