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Tuesday, 28 June 2011

Step into my head

Yes step into my head. These are just some random thoughts of mine which I think should have answers, maybe factual, maybe not.


I wonder why people think real born again Christians are all boring and the once who are funny are not serious once. Like, seriously, don’t dull it oh, I can show you Holy Ghost filled, tongues speaking, baptized in River Jordan, Born again again pips who will give basket mouth and co a run for their money…………..Pastor Lanre Oluseye I hail oh. As in sometimes I just feel these are part of the very numerous lies the devil tells, sha that one dey.

What exactly do blind people see (I mean the ones born blind)………ok I know they are BLIND, duh, but seriously, I want to know what exactly they see, white or black, bright light or crippling darkness and don’t just blurt out and say darkness, I don’t think you can teach colours with Braille!

Would be nice to know the chemical formula of pepper, we all know salt as NaCl, ‘manggi’ as spiced salt, crayfish as………duh, crayed fish, curry as anything our aboki friend mixes and has a yellow colour, suya pepper as…….errr pepper meant for suya, but with which we can make heavenly  indomie J. You can complete the list, I remember one time in Gulder Ultimate Search when serious owu was blowing in camp and the chef suggested they use curry to give the supposed egusi soup he made the desired colour! Necessity truly is the mother of invention.

I wily wily wonder who started all these yeye old wives’ tales:
          ´          That if a frog jumps over you, you’ll turn to a boy. Kai, *shakesheadinshame* I confess to falling victim to this treacherous lie, I should have been 8 or 9, but I was young and na├»ve (so don’t chop me) and we had a mini veggie garden at the backyard, it was raining season so that equaled fresh ugu which equaled veggie soup which equaled eba frequently occurring on the food timetable for the rest of the season, so we went-a-plucking, and just as I had entered the middle, I saw one of the highest leaps ever attempted by an amphibian, you know how adrenaline makes you do stuff bera, It made me see this leap in slow-mo and believe me, this should be the biggest frog ever, twas quite fat, ugly and lazy and I could almost swear that I saw it grin at me. As soon as this happened, I ran as fast and as directionless as a mad woman throwing my hands in the air in utter fear and viciously grabbing my crotch as I didn’t want to turn to a boy! You can laugh all you want, but I was terrified.
          ´          That the devil urinates in an uncovered yawning mouth……….yesso I kid you not, I heard this from a grown educated woman
          ´          That if you walk backwards, you’ll bring death and bad luck………….hmmn, but MJ was the king of the moon walk, little wonder abi, I did not say anything oh
          ´          That if you fish on a Sunday you’ll turn to a monkey……….I wonder why there aren’t monkey zoos in the Niger-Delta regarding the fact that this peeps fish day in, day out, Christmas in, Salah out.
          ´          If a man eats the head of a rat, he becomes a thief…..mhmmm; I don’t think our dear fwend from the Nat. Ass. De2 Banks ate any rat’s head oh, I did not say anything oh
          ´          If a woman dreams of being beaten by a snake she has conceived!…………………….no comment.
          ´          If a male tastes a meal from the ladle, he’ll never grow a beard……….. I’m waiting for my brother to grow up and prove this wrong.
I would want to hear silly  and random thoughts of yours or even answers to mine.

Yours…………..thoughtfully

A.D

Monday, 27 June 2011

Going places

Wow, I guest wrote for Esco again, and I must say, I didnt quite imagine that i'll guest write for another blog let alone write 2, I have another post on woahnigeria.wordpress.com 'Enter-scare-ment is the title, do check it out.

Yours with lotsa love.

Box Heels!!!


I had that feeling yesterday…….that weird feeling of…..fear, like fear of the unknown, hoping for the best but also preparing for the worst
.
Let me explain, I was expecting shoes………..shoes that I asked my mum to get for me, I asked her to buy them for me because the price of things here are ridiculously silly, common yoghurt that is 70 naira in the F.C.T is a whooping 120.

So I asked her to get one for me from home and as loving and wonderful as she always is, she bought 3. But now I’m here scared for myself and that’s because my mum’s fashion sense is still a little stuck in the 80’s, (she believes Caribbean skirts and corporate shirts are a perfect combo and doesn’t believe ‘Fela trousers’ are out of fashion) but don’t get me wrong she’s well advanced in other fashion aspects, in fact in bags, she’s got it, she even got me my first Caribbean skirt and believe me, I can still rock that skirt today, but then again…… So now you see my fear, I really hope she doesn’t go alone to shop for them, but I also hope she doesn’t go with someone like her ………hmmm, just relax I told myself, mummy knows best.

An hour later my cousins return and hand me a nylon of…………..towel, mscewww, I dropped it and searched till I found them, I held the nylon in my hands for like 2minutes before I opened them………..
Oh My God, this is one is beautiful…….and this one too, wow who knew she’ll get me really lovely heels…………..and then I picked the last one, my fears were staring at me in the face, nooooooo, it looked like a guys shoe, all elongated and square shaped infront, and had box heels! I was literally weak……….
But it’s alright, I have two lovely shoes to compensate right, and now I had to call and say thank you and also wear them to work tomorrow……….

This reminded me of my very young days, when mummy solely did the shopping, shoes, clothes, hats (especially those Sunday dresses that had shoes and bags made out of the same fabric with the dress) and as ‘good naija gurls’ we had to wear them with great gratitude and pride, little wonder we all turned out very confident girls, able to wear with pride whatever we had.

Coming to the now, even my little cousins will not wear anything that doesn’t have Hannah Montana or High School Musical or any Disney princess on it, they’ll cry and fall and roll on the floor, in my days, who dash you liver, ehhenn, don’t collect the dress, you’ll pay with your next two Christmas dresses.

Watching them display, it just makes me cherish all the more all the training I had, even the ones that seemed mean and selfish. Thank you mum, for you teaching me that if you can’t find the bright side of life, polish the dull side.

Yours……….thankful and content

A.D

Wednesday, 22 June 2011

Corporate'white'lies

I was in a lil dilemma last night and like all dilemmas, you have to know the crux of the matter to understand the seriousness of the situation………

I’m in my 4th year in an engineering program and the curriculum stipulates that we have to be trained industrially, (I.T) so my search for an internship placement began, and quite frankly, I never knew how frustrating and annoying this line, ‘we’ll get back to you’ was till I started writing internship exams and interviews, (yes oh interview for a 6 months job that I might not be paid for), twas even more painful when I knew I really passed all the hurdles but because of some people doing backyard runs I wasn’t picked.
But you know it’s very funny how when other people use their connections to get to where they want, we label it ‘corruption’ or ‘nepotism’ or ‘tribalism’, but when we use our own connections (even though it’s Sis Chinyere from youth fellowship), we called it ‘favor’

Back to the present, I had already gotten a job at an engineering firm through…………..favor, but I was called for an interview by an oil servicing company, and with the kind of exposure I wanted, that was where I was meant to be.

Now, here’s the dilemma, I needed to come up with a very good lie, simple and believable to tell the boss at engineering firm so I could go for interview at oil servicing coy……….small thing abi……….no.

I’ve already wasted all the good lies on outings with my friends and to catch 20 extra winks (yesso sleep is sweet, don’t look at me like that, at least I sleep on my bed, I know some of you sneak to the store or that empty room and hibernate for the next 10-20mins and come out with your eyes all red and when asked the cause of the redness, you say you mistakenly put your hand in your eye…………talk about white lies, so every day between 10-11am, your hand develops a mind of its own and journeys to your eye)

I’ve used grandma’s burial (actually she really died so couldn’t use it again), good ol’ fever and menstrual cramps (wow this works like magic) and even ridiculous ones like rain or ‘no keke or bus’ (at this point I’m ashamed, chai).
Didn’t want to use fever again and be perceived as a sickler or feeble person and dint want to say appendicitis and mistakenly touch my left side and say it really hurts.

As I was brainstorming with me myself and I, I remembered a program on a radio station that rhymes with bull and the presenter asked callers to call in and say the most ridiculous lies they’ve told to get out of work. Then this man calls and says he had just used one and it worked, he said he had told his boss that he wanted a WEEK off to………wait for it……….wait……HELP HIS WIFE BREASTFEED! And I’m like !@#$^&.........his boss must be 2 years old, cos only someone who hasn’t been weaned will fall for that…..wow, I can imagine he had used all in his little book of lies.

So we (me myself and I), finally decided on saying I had to go to ITF (Industrial Training Fund) office for issues with my logbook, but I actually had issues with my logbook oh…………….yea who am I kidding right. Would love to hear your own ridiculous lies and excuses too.

Yours………….truthfully

A.D

Humble Beginings


My ‘dearlies’, as Zebrudiyah would say,
We are going places oh, was asked to guest write for another blog, www.woahnigeria.wordpress.com ,a very hilarious fellow blogger Esco, the title of my post on his blog is Humble beginnings, do check it out.

Friday, 17 June 2011

Judge Trudy

Today was another memorable day………..it has nothing to do with a guy jor. Hmmmn, today, as silly and funny as it may sound, I was scared stiff, today, a giant ball of cotton wool got stuck in my ear! Don’t laugh oh, could have been you, and no I wasn’t carried away with the sweet feeling it gives neither was I using broom or any sharp object to chook it, it was a proper cotton wool, twas even the first one out of the new pack
.
While my cousins were trying all they could as they automatically became doctors (Nigerians are multitalented jore) using all sorts in my ear from toothpick to scissors, I was busy imagining all sorts. I imagined that the toothpick would get stuck too or it’ll burst something in my ear and I’ll become deaf……….tufiakwa! I also imagined that it will magically merge with my inners and it’ll make me have awesome superpower, being able to pick the sound of a pin drop on a rug! Ok, that’s the effect of too much powerpuff girls, but really my mind raced with all sorts of stupid imaginations some of which I had to visibly shake off.
When my cousins would try and only come out with tiny shreds, they tell me, ’You see why I don’t use that thing, Stop using that thing’ But I have to na, Im not suffering from OCD or any of such, but I love to keep my body clean, down to the tiny details, but noooo, he said a little ear dirt is good as it helps lubricate the ear as oil lubricates any system! Like say wheel dey for inside my ear.

The whole conversation brought me to the realization that most of us manipulate our lives and miss opportunities based on past failures. Because that wool got stuck in my ear, my cousin overruled the use of cotton buds. Maybe Mama Nkechi’s moi-moi made you purge and you decide that moi-moi is bad for you, you become ‘moi-moi intolerant’, or you happen to buy ‘superbite’ sausage roll and the one you bought was expired, and then you start spreading the news that saying that brand is bad, better still the pastor of a Church you were beginning to love makes advances at you and all hell is let loose, you label all members of that church hypocrites and all the pastor, home and abroad false prophets.

Its very wrong, I mean, Mama Nkechi might have mistakenly added laxative to the moi-moi and that pastor might just be a bad egg, im not saying we should not be able to logically make conclusions, but not on the first attempt. Shebi when people go for HIV test and it comes out positive, they don’t start digging their graves or swallowing anti-retroviral, they go for another test, even up to 5 other tests.

All im saying is, don’t be so quick to judge.

Oh and we finally drove to a proper hospital and had the wool removed, so im fine 
Yours…….attentively
A.D

Thursday, 16 June 2011

Crushed


I still remember my first ever crush, I was in primary 5, He was also in primary 5, He was the second most brilliant student in school, I was 3rd on the list (yea, ive always known book). I even still remember his name…….Sunday, Sunday Orokpo, was from Benue and was a catholic, Had a head that looked like a car with the front doors open as he had those ‘Will Smith’ ears, but I still fancied him just the way he was. Even the teachers at school were in somewhat of an agreement on our friendship as they called us ‘husband and wife’, oh I remember how I would frown and tell them I didn’t like it when my insides were erupting with butterfly volcanoes……Sunday wherever you are would be nice to see you again.

Back then, everybody knew everybody’s crush and nobody made you look stupid or became jealous because your crush is also suddenly crushing on you and theirs……….well, lets say, was just not that in to them.

Crushes those days were quite cute and innocent, puppy love, no ulterior motives or selfish conquests to satisfy. Coming to the now, I’ve had crushes this hour and wondered the next hour what was so captivating in the first place. From one class (45 minutes) to one hour to one semester to one year………nah it never gets to one year, they always do something stupid and shatter the jinx as I would realize his eyes were too far apart and he really looked like a fish, or that he didn’t really have an awesome build, but an awesome skill in starching shirts.
Abeg, I have to give it to guys in my school, no other institution, corporate or otherwise can starch a shirt like they do, 3 gbosas to una jore. I remember one time when I spotted a friend of mine who looked so crisp and clean and I really wanted to compliment him and I called out to him, but the scene that followed was simply hilarious as he literally had to turn with his whole body to answer me as he had starched his shirt stiff!

Well my current crush…….or last crush……kinda knew I had a crush on him, and delightfully I think he felt same for me, I guess my case was easy, I read an article sometime ago in Bellanaija’s Aunty Bella column, where the gurl complained that she had ‘over fronted’ for a guy that had a crush on her and she also liked but didn’t want to appear cheap! Poor gurl, after a while dude fashied her side.

I understand what she meant though, sometime you fall for this guy who is notorious with the ladies, might have even just shattered Jane’s heart, but that doesn’t matter, you still get that anti-gravity feeling when he’s around, like, everybody shrinks and its just the two of you and no matter how hard you try, your cheek always give you away. But nowadays the ladies have learnt to pretend to themselves even when all the catch-me-staring-if-you-can games have paid off and he’s trying to make acquaintance.  
 Sometimes I wish everything was  like back then, when you could muster courage, walk up to the boy and tell him you wanted to borrow his………..was there ever a specific thing, but he would gladly give you whatever you asked and smiled with you.
Oh well, Such is life.
Yours…………till the crush is over
A.D