Number of hits

Sunday, 19 May 2013

Number 2

Here I am, surrounded by all these great people; fashion tycoons, talk show giants, philanthropist, photography icons, TV giants, Tech Whiz, everybody here has a dream, a vision, one burning desire or the other, they are all talking about passion and purpose. I know I have one of those too, I’m know im special too, but I can’t seem to lay my hands on it, maybe I wasn’t meant to have one, maybe we all aren’t meant to have a passion….But the preacher said God made everyone for something, that we all have a purpose and we should find it in order to start living.

…..Well Preacher man, I’ve been searching a long long time for mine, gotten frustrated, seems I’ve got the proverbial hand of Midas I’m frustratingly good at everything I set out to do: Fine arts, Writing, Modeling, Speaking, Music…hold up, I haven’t tried music, maybe my passion is in music……but what if its not, what if its just a hobby just like the others, what if im just meant to lead the bathroom all stars choir like every other aspirant like me *fist bump in the air*

Been thinking a lot lately and Ive realized something, the preacher man lied.

Yeah I said it, they all lied, we cant all be number one, we cant all be ‘bests’, if we r all billionaires, who will work for us, if no one will do 9-5 jobs (which in reality is 7:30am-6pm or 7pm depending on the distance to your house) then who will work for the visionaries, If everyone wants to be 2baba, who will buy his CDs, If everyone wants to be Mark Zucherberg, who will use Facebook?

I might not be the number 1 artist or writer/blogger or speaker, but I know one thing that’s the only thing that can pass for a burning desire and passion, I know I love to help others get to be number 1, maybe that’s the almighty calling on my life, to help people achieve their dreams, to lend my shoulders to others to climb, to be the number 2 in the background, the Bartholomew among the disciples of Jesus, the Gail to Oprah,
It will be tough I know, backstage isn’t full of camera and lights, no one is really interested in what goes on there….ok, maybe just a few, but Its ok, I find fulfillment being the one who smacks your head and tells you ‘yes you can’

So in the mean time, Imma go try out music outside the bathroom *wink*

Your number 1 fan,


Wednesday, 9 January 2013

All men are NOT the same!

*Wipes dust off face* Im sooooo sorry I've been away, life just went on like a roller coaster, graduated, went to camp and now im serving somewhere above the confluence state  :-). But I'm serving now, and I've got access to superfast internet 24/7....ermmm, sorry 10/6 :-) and I have loads to rant and muse about.

Was at a church program some Sundays back and, my Pastor asked a very stunning question and I’m going to ask you too.

Do you know how many people will cheat on their partners if they knew they’ll never be caught?

You might not be sure of the stats, but you just might, right? And more shocking is the awfully painful truth I realized after the service. Men, especially in this part of the Niger, cheat simply because they can!

Let me explain,

Mr G is a 5’6 typical Nigerian man, married to the Mrs and they have 3 children to show for the 9 years of marriage, all boys btw. So it happens that Mr G is bored with his wife and wants a lil sumfin sumfin by the side, a lil more curve, a lil more whatever you guys call it, but note, Mr G has a very healthy and well rounded ‘one pack’ and since he’s an average Nigerian man who is expected to be a regular 'eba swallower', its allowed to have a pot belly.

Now to the Mrs, with grateful hearts to the big J, she has kids by him, and none look like the neighbor neither are they all gurls, buh JUST BECAUSE she has gained ‘some’ over the years and….maybe she has a few bicycle tires on her waist, then he gets tired and blames the quenching love life on her……..what about him, is it cos she’s tryna be a Prov 31 woman that he doesn’t know that she also wants an Idris Elba or a Chris Attoh, camaaan, cut her plenty slack, child bearing is no joke, I always hear guys talk about how we women let ourselves go, well, men let go too, *rolling my head*. And so he gets a younger gurl who’s still got some curves and then the Mrs hears and when she complains to her own mother, she has this to say

“Take it easy my dear, men are all the same, you have to bear with him, all men cheat, he’ll grow out of it, even your father had 1, it’s what makes us the wives, you have to be mature about it”

My 1st reaction is @#$%^*!@ ARE YOU KIDDING, but then again, this is real talk, real life and then Oga himself is not even ashamed, feels it’s his right and expects her to understand, even the society doesn’t frown on it as much as it frowns when the Mrs is the one ‘eating out’, camaann, its not fair, I don’t believe all men are the same, and why can’t he be the mature one, how old does he have to grow till he matures, some of these men are grandpas, I mean Wikipedia says the ratio of men to women in Nigeria is 1.04, which means there are more males than females, isn’t he even happy he got one, I mean…whats happening is not fair, but I don’t even know who to  point at, the women are suffering alright, but they are also the contributors and the men being men are just riding on the wings of our own handmade theory.

Its still sounds insane, but there are still women out there with this school of thought, ‘I know you are cheating, but please be smart about it’, O honey *in Marshall Ericsson’s voice*, even if he’s smart about not getting caught, what about the STDs, what about all the money he’s spending on her, yes, what about it mehn. I used to be part of those women who say, if you cheat, pls be smart about it, but then I realized, it’s a silly thing to think, not all men are the same!

Men, over the years, knowingly or unknowingly built the notion that a woman should basically know how to cook clean, and generally run a home, just by expecting it! We can do the same, cheating isn’t natural, its not ‘a mans thing’ and pls don’t gimme that crap about different pots of soup, I have bitterleaf, efo and edikaikong soup in the freezer, tell me when you are hungry.

Yours……..ever loving :)


Friday, 26 October 2012


Everyday I watch people make very avoidable mistakes, mistakes primarily rooted in bad company, or wrong company. In life, there are 3 kinds of people, even Jesus our master had theses classes of people in His cabinet.
The Comrades: Now these are category my sister would call ‘frenemies’, they aren’t your enemies neither are they  your friends, they are the people you come across who are in your life just cauz you both have a common enemy, an example would be, the Christian Association of Nigeria (CAN), now in this group, we have all sorts of denominations of ‘Christians’, both those with similar beliefs and those with conflicting beliefs, this association brings them all under one umbrella to fight a common enemy, it will be a great disservice to oneself to consider a comrade as  friend.
Constituents:  This is the category of people often mistaken to be opportunists, the truth is that they may seem so, but they are there for purpose, these people love your vision, they love your ambition, they are the ones who, really will work for you, these people are with you when the going is good, they will HELP you, build your vision, but as good as they may seem, it is only good we take advantage of these set of people and utilize their seeming “love” for us, cos the truth is they only love your persona, not necessarily your person, these people should on no condition be confused with the next category of people, they are only there to help your vision, not necessarily your person, on no account should you expose your weakness to them, as helpful as they may seem, they can cause a man’s downfall.
One funny thing about constituents is that at first glance everyone criticizes them, but the truth is that EVERONE get to be a constituent in someone else’s life. Jesus was the only human who walked this earth and was a confidant to all
One must be very careful to determine and categorize each person accordingly, one of the very subtle reasons for high rate of divorces is because men marry their constituents, and then when the going gets tough, they vamoose.
Confidants: yes, just like their names, these are the real friends, the ones to show your weakness to, the ones to get married to, the ones who love your persona and your person, sometimes they don’t even necessarily benefit from you, they are put in your life to make you a better person, these are the ‘kepeers’, but unfortunately, because most times, people get more ‘attention’ from their constituents, they confuse these people’s place in their lives. So you have most guys marrying their constituents and when anything happens, it seems like these people never even loved themselves.
From a concerned youth,
Yours Sincerely,

Saturday, 22 September 2012

Step into my thoughts 2

Yello dear readers, Step into my head is a series of my random thoughts,we had the first one here. I will be pouring them out occasionally and we would also love to hear your own thoughts too.
  • What is it that people are always chewing in their sleep? Seriously speaking oh, and I'm not talking about all dem Africa magic, Nollywood  kinda sleep, I'm talking real life sleep, 'on the job' sleep or even the type of sleep we call 'crash'. The other day I happened to be in the room while my sister was sleeping and she was trying to change her position when I noticed her moving her mouth and making noises in the same manner as seen when eating a delicacy and to crown it all, after chewing, my lovely sister swallowed, and I kid you not, she actually swallowed. I had to leave the place cos the laughter that would follow would definitely wake her up. And no one needed to tell me that, that sleep was sweet! 
  • TGIS : stop googling it joor, TGIS simply means Thank God It's Sunday. I know some of you are wondering how TGI can ever be followed by a day such as Sunday, well it should, and dats my own contribution to the growing world of 'laziness inspired abbreviations'. Who even started this whole madness sef, it's everywhere, even for serious matters like consoling the bereaved, we see things like TH, meaning Take Heart, or BS meaning Be Strong......ok, I just came up with those, but don't be surprised if it is already a thing. There are even the ones that drive me nuts, like 'k', what in God's name happened to the 'o' or even the 'ay' behind the 'k'.
  • This is quite true though

And then they push guys to extents that they do this
Just to impress, na aw oh 
  • Ehennnn, I recently heard a song oh, I hear it's by Justin Beiber oh, dat the name is long as you love me. Hmmmn, Justin shouldn't come to Nigeria and be singing that song oh, imagine lines like.
'As long as you love me, we can be starving, we can be homeless, we can be broke, as long as you love, you'll be my platinum, you'll be your silver, you'll be gold.

Hmmm, I have no words to say.....we can be homeless, hmmn, brother Justin, no be so for naija oh, I'm sure dat song won't even trend in naija, here, homeless, starving and he even just summarized it all and said broke, Kai Kai, wen your mates are singing 'you MUST chop my money', you are inviting the poor babe to poverty. He didn't even make it subtle like MI and Waje. Justin, stop am if na joke oh.

I also understand the idea of introducing oneself saying 'my names are......', I feel its veryyyyyy wrong, a name (full name) consists of a 1st and last name, though different, they are still one and the same person, its just that, the more the number of names, the more specific and distinct the identification. Infact that is one of my greatest and 'hughest' (if there even a word like that) turn offs for me, what is 'my names are.....', kai #shrughs in irritation, but I think that one is even better, what in God's name is 'I am name', before
Nko, are u Akpors by specie, abi are you Akpors by gender, what happened to the simple, 'my name is.....' or 'I am.....'Finish, not some yeye English
And i am sure it is one over sabi lesson teacher that started that revolution,chei, Naija my country! Only God can save us sha 



Sunday, 16 September 2012

Win BIG!!!

Ok, it's that time of the year again, it's that time to nominate bloggers for the Nigerian Blog Awards. Dear GNG memoir readers, this is the first time I'll be asking for this, it's a good thing to have awards like this you know :)

Please my dear readers, nominate memoirs of a good naija girl in the Nigerian Blog Awards on the site

The ones I'm eyeing are

Best new blog of the year
Best humor blog

Kpere, I'm not selfish, I just want those two, finish.
I know I've being off the scene for sometime due to final year things, but lemme just remind you guys of some your favorite posts.

Dear future husband
9deadly phrases men use
Pretty women are overrrated

So, pleaseeee, Pweeti please, nominate me :)


Saturday, 15 September 2012


No, I'm not talking about the upcoming NYSC postings or another thing in your head, I'm actually talking of 'posting'.

Posting - the act and process (trust me, it's both) of being rejected for employment.
Poster- this is the agency or company for which you seek engagement 
Postee - you who is being posted.

Ever since my search for 'something to hold body' kind of job, I've come across different people, situations and of course 'postings', I'm still waiting, hopefully believing what they said, even when I know the implied meanings of their yarns, #sighs.
So, today I'll share my insight on some very common favorites of the 'posters'

'Thank you for your application, we will get back to you'
Translation: kpele dear, we know how much it cost you to pay that guy to arrange your CV, he tried oh, but, he also did the same for one-third of the other applicants.

'Very impressive, we will get back to you'
........note how all the posting lines all end with .....we will get back to you.
Translation : beautiful CV, wonderful cover letter, but, Kai, my oga has already put his niece in that position. Keep hunting, you will survive.

'We are not hiring right now, but I'll keep you in mind'
Do you really need a translation, this is as plain as it gets, even though you know that Usman told you they are hiring and he just got his niece a spot.

All the above are postings on initial application, now these ones are after maybe an interview or two

'We ( I ) would really want to work with you, you are what we are looking for, we would give you a call for the next step'
Translation : now this is very tricky, fact is they might actually want to have you on board, you might indeed be what they are looking for, buh all that one na tori, get on your lappy and start resending applications because you have just been posted, and on a very long thing. 

'The position has already been filled'
Yes oh, this is a posting line, even after passing the exam and one interview, and I don't think you need a translation for this too but if you insist
Translation : how the hell did you get this far, abeg give us chance, more valuable people are waiting.

Also I noticed that contrary to popular beliefs, there are jobs in Nigeria, there just aren't enough qualified candidates for the job. How can you say you are an accounting grad with the very common 1st class honors and you don't even know where debit side should be in a balance sheet! 

Oh yea, another thing about this job hunting of a thing is networking, though it has carried on various non dignifying names like 'long legs', it is a very important tool, I know some people will start giving me some funny eye gestures, but lemme ask this question

Why would you call getting a job through a friend I met at a conference corruption but call getting the same job through Sister Nkechi in church 'favour'? Answer me oh.

The world is changing dear GNG memoirs readers, please don't get left behind, adapt.

Yours.......soon to be poster 


Thursday, 13 September 2012


Saying I'm sorry wouldn't even begin to show how sorry I am, I've been caught up in so many things, some important,some, not so important,buh I'm back now,and hopefully, we'll never know a better yesterday.

Ok, so recently I've been into a lot of Yoruba movies, and funny enough I don't exactly understand the language, I have to be super fast to read the subtitles, plenty of which have errors, and I'm not talking typos or mild mistakes, I'm talking '#?!#!#*' kinda errors, cos you can't even understand what the intended message was let alone, correct them. 

This reminded me of an experience during a class in a summer school I and one of my besties organized just to keep body and soul together, we asked one of our students to write a letter to the local govt chiarman as regards the deplorable state of his constituency and methods and bla bla.......just one of those times u need to sleep small n u give the pupils something over their heads to give u enough sleep time :) So the assignment was given and after I had my fill of sweet 'on the job' sleep, I asked for the work.

Dear GNG memoir readers, I still can't understand what she wrote down, I couldnt even form professional teacher, I just had to laugh, poor child, she had written in English alright, buh it was either too outdated to understand or from sometime in the future, I couldn't hold myself, I'm so sorry swerieee. To worsen the matter, my dear pupil ended her letter with 'your Highness', instead of 'yours Sincerely', or the 'yours Faithfully' we all know, and this is no fabrication, true story. Note, she is meant to be in SS2! It is well with Nigeria.

Back to the Koko of this post, I've been watching more of Yoruba movies cos, regardless of what you might say, I think they have the richest of plots for their storylines, yes they might all have diabolical context, buh even in reality, a lot of things are very diabolical indeed, and ignorance is no more bliss but folly and this is not a post to convince you that all you see is not all there is, but that.......nah that exactly what I'm trying to do

You see the devil is very tricky (oh yes I'm preaching now), that's why I always say, if you don't know any greater power source (Jesus of course), don't mock the devil cos he still has rights over some people's lives.
You see, he knew he wouldnt have dominion over everyone so he introduced civilization, urbanization, all the modern things we believe" Scientology, astrology, all, these things which only believe in the seen visible things of the earth, they confine minds to only believe in what they see with their physical eyes, so when he works in the invisible and does evil, they (non-believers) go back to what they know, what he has given, science, reason, all to find tangible visible proofs for works of the invisible.

Ok, I hope I've not confused anyone. Sha, Afmag Yoruba hasn't only made me more aware of the presence of invisible forces, buh has also taught me that;
.not only do actions speak older than words, expressions too. The Yoruba language is so expressive, every word leaves your mouth in very awkward positions, even the word 'Yoruba' leaves your mouth open.
.all you need to do to remember anything is to stare longingly at the ceiling.
.its possible and very doable to have the same hair do for 12years and it'll not become attached to your real hair, it will even have the same, texture, the same color, the same shine.
.its okay for ghosts to have shadows, as far as they have powder poured all over their face and they are wearing white cloth.
.until your voice is loud enough to raise the dead, you aren't angry, or in science terms :) the higher the decibel in your voice, the higher the Intensity of your anger.
And finally, that subtitles are never 100% correct and thus I've learnt the meaning of some words....

Ma ri e laipe :)

Yours........Igbo and proud.

P.s, that simply meant 'see you soon'