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Wednesday, 7 December 2011

Pretty Women are overrated!!!!!!!

Wait, wait, hold up, gimme a sec, take a chill pill pips *dusts shirt*
Kai, u guys should gimme a break, yess I understand what Im saying.....n yimu to u too sir, but it might be interesting to note that I am quite a stunner myself! but im not overrated sha.

Pheww, ok, yes pretty women are overrated......quick question, who made the standard for beauty?? hmmn, tell me, n I always wonder why, all the Bible stories we have all have Adam wiv some really compact and tight 6-pack abs and Eve with slim, nice curvy shape with long hair. For Christ sake who was there at the age of the garden of Eden, for all I care, Adam could have been some fat, round dude with bushy hair and Eve, a very 'african' woman wiv voluptuous assets all round (I mean, even science points to Africa as the cradle of mankind).

Its quite amazing mostimes to see how, I think men would already know this, to see how guys would be falling over each other all in the bid to get a 'hot' girl........dude, the fact that she's pretty doesnt mean she's pleasant…..I guess u haven’t seen a fineeeeeee young lay-deh who just cant shut up! Sounds funny, buh hmmmn, I just pray that u don’t meet her brova, I pray u just don’t!
Seriously, Im tired of seeing guys who are waiting to find gurls like......who's the 'hottest' now sef, I dont even know, buh, im tired of guys waitng to find gurls like that in their neighbourhood, all slim n what not, I mean, those gurls where not raised in a country where eba or pounded yam was a steady dinner! Stop looking up to the western media for the definition of beauty.

*mumbling under her voice*, I mean I don’t even understand where and how we got the adjective ‘hot’ as an adjective to describe a woman! Like seriously, of all the words in the English language……’hot’, seriously….shouldnt that be the temperature of the sun! or the adjective to describe soup or something of the sort or even of a sick person body temperature, not a beautiful woman joor.

I know we’ve heard about the ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder or even ‘beerholder’, but, really, ‘beauty’ is in everyone of us….yes ma’am, even Mr Ibu’s married and to a beautiful wife too! it’s just a pity that the media has so programmed our minds into believing that ‘Mr right’ must be some tall, well built, 6-pack hunk (Dearfuturehusband, im not relasing u oh, u better not get round), yes, he mustn’t be hunky, she musnt be curvy.

God made everyone in His image, so everyone is beautiful, or in the words of the Creator Himself, everyone is ‘good’. Lets try n look more on the inside than the outside……..n I’m not talking about her underwear dude.

O.k for e.g, a gurl might be mighty fine, and might look like she’s all independent and don’t need ur money, but if she aaaaaalllllllwwwwaaaaaays expects u to get the bill anytime u guys go out… light,…….i’m saying she’s a golddigger n she aint messing wiv no broke dude!
Its not all about the brazillian hair n the long legs n the clingy clothes n the pointed nose, lets get our standards right before we find out that the ultimate gold was just fools gold!

Yours………..stunning and not overrated.


Monday, 28 November 2011

Hunting Season

Haaaa, so we had a trade fair in my school and it was just like hunting season, except, this time, it’s the guys that are ‘hunted’ down to satisfy the insatiable wants of the ladies.

So, this year, I participated in the trade fair, so I wasn’t in the hunt, rather, I was an observer….like the referee. To really understand the situation, I would like to let you in on......some of the circumstances at this period. At this particular time in school, it’s very close to ‘end of month’ and the really fat 5 figure acct bal is now a dangerous 4 figure, also for the really sweet and family loving guys, they see this time to get stuff for their loved ones at home, oh, and also the ATMs in school have all been out for a while so Owu would be in the air, and a loaf of bread, would really be manna!

So with this scenario, let’s begin the reenactment. You happen to fall in the category above and its trade fair season, and, my God, I know it’s called trade fair, but I tell you some of the trade going on, is really not fair! (but mine was sha!)

Leke is well aware of the times and season, early in the morning, he just throws on some polo and heads to get breakfast…….lunch and dinner all at once to avoid coming out again! So anyways, he has successfully bought a pack full of ewa agoyin and bread and a pack of ewedu soup (sought out the allocation yourself!) and is headed back to his room, and  just as he is about to step back into his hall, Dele calls out and informs him that his own parents (Dele’s parents) are in school and would like to see him, excited and glad, he’s already calculating how much the minimum amount he would receive would be, he hurriedly gets to his room secures his all-in-one meal and hurries back outside only to find out that he missed them by a jiffy………frustrated and disappointed, he heads back to his room when..…..

‘Leke, Leke’, Shola calls out his name, and, busted, he turns to realize, this was Shola, the gurl he had been tracking for the past semester who always fronts and never has time for him, and he really likes this gurl……Well, the rest is yours to imagine!   

I stayed out long enough and, boy, I saw many funny/awkward moments. There was this……would I say couple,  I spotted them severally, going from stand to stand and the gurl would always be smiling and jumpy after every visit, but I never really saw the dude she was with, her face always sorta shadowed his face, but when I did…..boy did  I want to go and rescue this dude. You know that feeling when you are pissed that someone ate too much out of your food, but it was you who invited him so you try not to frown too much…..Baba was not smiling at all, the dude’s face was like gathering storm! I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry……(wait, I have to laugh)

This is the time when those in relationships are glad they have a gurl, so every other gurl will have to maintain…..except you are the babe’s sister

O.k, so ladies abeg, trade fair is a season to purchase goods and make yourself happy, note YOURSELF, so abeg lets stop making guys miserable during this period, and guys, if you know you are a hot commodity, bera stack up before this season, at least for a ‘worst case scenario’

Yours……….in fat acct bal and red acct bal,


Sunday, 20 November 2011

Dear future husband

Mhmmmn, I hear that you and your friends are going extinct, as all you people think about is making money and sleeping around……I hope you aren’t one of them oh.

I’m missing you already, I wish I knew you now, so we can start the adjustments and changes on time, you know, old yam stem dey hard to bend. J  

But in the meanwhile, I would really love it if you spoke very polished English, you know, maybe a lil British, a lil American accent, but I’m not talking of the fake lekki-british-american accent oh, if that’s what you are speaking, ber ah change it now oh.

Also honeypie, I hope you aren’t bearing any of these names, ‘Darlington ( so your famzing colleagues at work will be calling you ‘darling’ all over the place abi ) Utibe, Ngozi (that name is reserved for my daughter thank you), Chike (I just don’t like that name joor), Ekpeyong (everyone I’ve known who bears that name was mean and short), Nosa (what kind of name is that!!?!)’, I just want to be able to call your name with love and respect and not sarcasm, oh, and I hope I can pronounce our surname, if not, I and my children will bear ‘Chukwu’.

Also since I was 16, I’ve been praying for a strong Christian brother, not a ‘broh’, even the bible says Jesus grew in wisdom and ‘stature’, so gym up swetiee!

Sweerie, I hope you will not be one of those people that will call my blog, ‘that thing I do’, if not we will communicate through the said blog for a month!

Baby, there’s this thing called a shaving stick, I propose you master its usage in certain areas because I will so not be fascinated by the dense forest growing under your arm.

Yes, honey, I hope M.I and Waje didn’t fool you oh…….Im not a materialistic girl as you will find out, but don’t even try that one naira line oh. I’m not saying, you have to be a millionaire or anything like that, because, even if you are still starting out, I’ll be right beside you, but pls don’t be a lazy man!

And ehmmm on the reverse of the above point, I hope you will not end the relationship before we even start out by hinting or outrightly asking me to be a housewife, because THAT WILL SOOOOO NOT WORK! My father spent a good amount of money on my education, we are talking 7-8 digits so no matter how much you just want to see my face, I’ll give you a life size pic of me, or better still a hologram! And don’t worry about raising our kids, as you will find out, my mama did a very good job and she still is in banking.

Babe, I also hope you aren’t one of those people who get angry and start breaking stuff, or else, there’ll be no interior deco in the house, or, better still, when you feel the urgent need to hear the crashing breaking sound of stuff, please stay out of my kitchen! And don’t even touch any of my artwork (yea boo, wifey also paints).

……O.K, I know it seems like I’m over demanding, but don’t worry, I promise not to disturb your football matches, infact, I promise to specially bake for you and chill your fav beer……oh wait, wait, wait, I’m sorry, boo, I seriously hope…..Oh goodness, I’m fervently praying you aren’t carrying a potbelly in place of your tummy, if you are, ASAP enroll in a gym nearby and kindly deliver of whatever you are carrying. I mean how are we supposed to be telling every visitor that visits when I’m pregnant that I’m the one carrying the child!

I’m sorry for that, twas really important, yea, I also promise to know when its time with the boys, and give you some space. I promise to always look good for you, and don’t worry, I aint burning no hole in your wallet. I promise to be as supportive and understanding as can be, I also promise to give my opinions and not force them on you, but I don’t promise not to say ‘I told you so’, when you go against my opinions and something bad happens……

In all swetiee, I’ll be a good wifey.

Yours………….for better, for worse


Monday, 3 October 2011

Excuse Me Miss….(2)

O.k I agree, guys suffer while trying to woe a gurl…….but thats because they always relent when she’s finally said yes………true or false?
Yes today the guys would feel they’ve bought me over, cauz I will be revealing somethings that might get me suspended from the sisterhood…..

Guys, you know how when you come to her house, or hall and you send her gateman or tell a friend to help you call her, and you’ve mentally calculated how long it’ll take for her to come down looking all glamorous and ravishing and what not, well…… shouldn’t have, cos she has also calculated how long you have to wait for  her ‘happening’ friends to be home and for them to see and analyze if you are the one (but really, we really have to stop watching all these silly Hollywood movies, that paints the perfect guy as some tall, handsome, well spoken, fine built guy…..cos frankly, he’s already someones guy! Besides a good number of tall Nigerian men are carrying a ‘party pot’ in place of a stomach, and have their English stained with an accent from their native dialect, so wake up sweetie!) and if ‘the friends’ come over and judge against you, sorry boo, no game cos even if you try to form Bobby and Whitney love and wait, you will sleep off in your car, waiting………that’s if you have one……..which might actually have been why you were disqualified!.......Ha, im in serious soup for all these top secrets. But polishing the dull side, while waiting for this, ‘no show’, you can be sampling other gurls, cos, frankly if you are wasting woe energy on a gurl who doesn’t have a mind of her own and whose friends make decisions for her……….goodluck Charlie!

But gurls are not always like that, she might actually like you, as in, she might have actually been giving some emerald, golden green light, some kain confusing signals…….dont worry I understand, sometimes, you just don’t know what we are mean abi, yes, its all part of the plan….we never want to appear available, you think we like how satan used just…….3 sentences in just one appearance to convince Eve …….no way oh, so, don’t worry, just bear with us. When next you go to see her, don’t get all pissed and angry that she took her time, I mean, twas for you u know, I mean, she had to, let me show you......

The moment she was told you were outside, her heart skipped and she suddenly realized she hadn’t had her bath and that she had no clue on what to wear, and when she finally decides on what to wear, her friend comes in and takes the chosen dress cause it was borrowed, (not always the case oh), and then the hunt for a new dress begins again, and in all these panicking, nature knocks, and all that butterfly effect begins to affect her, and she has to use the bathroom for No 2 (im sure you know what that means)………note, she still hasn’t had the bath…… forward 2hours and she emerges looking all ravishing and panash and sweet and……….yes, you forget how long you’ve waited. Fast forward again 6 months in the ‘relationship’ and if she waste as much as 20 mins, she’ll come out to meet nobody!
But wait oh, I’m sure you would have noticed that all the while, ive been using ‘gurl’, now for a woman………mhmmmmn that’s a different ball game oh, women don’t gat no time for no woeing, before you even get there, she’s dressed and ready sitting quietly in her gateman's house (ok, maybe not the gateman, but she'll be ready sha), aint gat no time for no sweet words, when she says yes, brother, she means yessss, and if she says no, ol’boy bera delete from her space.
A woman knows what she wants and knows how to get it, a woman…………….abeg before, I wake up to realize that I’m losing some vital organs for revealing these let me end the keyboard tapping.



Monday, 19 September 2011


My good people of naija…..wait, I actually have readers from the Americas and Europe (I no do am o, na Baba Godey)
Its amazing how I always thought that writing was so easy and so……easy and so………….easy, well yea, u get my sarcasm, I’ve not being able to write and it has been quite………ahhh, I missed you guys joor.

Sweeties, Industrial training is over and…, are there stories to tell………I might even start a series, ‘adventures of the good naija gurl’ or something.

On the academic side I never knew how uninformed I was…..thank God for I.T oh, did you know how powerful pressure can be? Did you know also that on an offshore rig, in the late afternoons, it’s a usual sight to spot shark circles? Did you also know that offshore there’s absolutely no network coverage, like nada……..forget all that ‘NTM’ adverts, service no dey everywhere oh, did you also know that………oh sorry, I know that’s not what you expected to read abi……

Now to the side you want to hear, hmmn, look at their eyes and ears…… For starters, port-harcourt men are ………I don’t even know the word to use for them, do they think ‘marriage’ is every girls’ magic word? They were just annoying at a point, there was E, D, F, Er, B………no no no, they bugged my life……might really start a series you know. For this post let me drop one.
I’ve always hated players, like really hated them…….o.k, actually I always had serious crushes on them and it was just heart breaking when I knew they were players……you know………

Well, that was lil naïve me, grown and wiser me……I aint gat time falling for players………ahhha, who am I kidding? Sha, you see now, the tables have turned and……….I hate to say it, but, I’m the player now!!!
But before you kill me, I’m a good one, like the ‘good player’, like the girl, sent by karma to play the players……… c’mon don’t look at me like that, y’all believed Robin Hood was a ‘good thief’ and that harry potter and friends were ‘good wizards’, so till then, I’m a good player shikena! But seriously I’m a good player (ok I’ve hammered that enough), I’m sure some of y’all who know me personally will laugh your heads off at me calling myself a player. 

In telling my story, I will change stuff, like names, location and stuff, but the story is real sha.
You know I left my first placement for a new one, remember when I had to tell that ridiculous lie, well, I moved and the new place and it was sooooo much fun, new people, much to learn, all the training and experience, oh yea and all the attention, yea, I was the only female in the department!.......yesso, so you can imagine the fun and favours I got, well, In the beginning, I was the shy but hard-working fair gal, then, I started showing the fun side of moi, and phone numbers were exchanged and I got to find out that a good number of my collegues also stayed around me, so I had couple of free rides, arrive at work with Mr Wa, went for lunch with Mr Zo and back home with Mr Bia……….wait oh, when I say fun side, I don’t mean what y’all are thinking oh……..and I don’t know what y’all think I’m thinking you are thinking………..(confused face), it just feels like you are thinking up things that never happened joor!

While all these happened, I had someone on my mind, my special one, so I wasn’t at all interested sha, so somewhere along the line, I met  J, everyone at work warned me about him, but like I said, I always found myself attracted to men with ‘player’ in their social “CV”, and he also stayed close by, so we became friends, and contrary to what people told me, he was a nice guy……duh, they all are at first, but anyways, before I could say hey, I.T was over and I had to go, and boy was I glad, cos he was really interested, but me, I could see right through him, he wanted to use me, but……karma, she’s good
………………… be continued
Yours……..ever commited,

Tuesday, 26 July 2011

Awkward Moments

I’m so so sorry dear esteemed readers, this work no be beanz oh, I literally sleep with my laptop bag still on my shoulders when I get home, I’ve been unavoidable busy, pls bear with moi.
 Yea, lets talk about awkward and uncomfortable moments, I have some, heard some, and I’ll love to read some of yours.
  • The very famous elevator moment. Mhmm, when you happen to enter an elevator and there’s this very nasty, rotten egg, dustbin smell (obviously its fart!) and there’s this very good looking babe or dude all alone in there already, and for some reason, they start explaining how they met the smell there when you start yimu-ing. (Like say u ask them anything) and just when you are 3 floors to your destination, a very attractive lass or dude majestically floats in, and for some reason, maybe because you were a lil shabbily dressed that day, they stare at you like you did it….and then YOU start doing the explanation wey dem no send u!
  • Kai, this one’s so awkward, in short, its embarrassing. You work at a place that claims to have an open door policy and use first names (we all know that a cleaner will never call the manager by name, shoo, u want make dem sack u) and your boss is a good person……….o.k, lets imagine u are a lady and ur boss is a man, you don’t want to give any suggestions, but you notice his zipper’s down and you think, u are actually seeing flesh, just as you are about to speak up and give him a very platonic-no-hidden-agenda nudge, he traces your line of sight and notices you’ve been starting below his belt for the past 2 mins!.............told u this was embarrassing and awkward………….oh it didn’t happen to me oh!
  • The ladies will relate to this more. You know when you find yourself in that kind of crowd where you really cant feel the floor, you are literally floating in the crowd. You happen to have finished whatever the crowd was for and you are swimming your way to fresh air, away from the body odours and breath taking smells of cheap, choking, assorted N300/bottle mallam perfume, and eureka, your feet finds the floor and in between that moment of taking a deep fresh breath and taking the first step………..taawaii, another struggling brother who just swam out has mistakenly or purposely slapped your butt hard, so hard, everyone turns to see your reaction………..Well, what’ll be your reaction?
  • This one’s funny and awkward too. You just got a job, excited as can be, you actually woke up early, but was stuck in a very nasty hold-up, and then trying to make a good first impression at work, you drive like a mad man just to get to work on time, and getting to a T-junction, you do a very badt chancing and go infront a very tush B.M.W, and when the driver stretches his head from the window asking why, for some reason, instead of apologizing, you tell the driver to come and enter your front now, adding that, if he wants to scratch his car, he should come and drag with your Mercedes 190! You get to work, just 5 minutes before, ‘late’, after being shown your table and all those nice things they do, you are introduced to your boss, and……………..voila, he’s the guy in the tush B.M.W!
I know some of you will just  go to your desk and pack, lol.
I’ld love to hear your own awkward moments.

Wednesday, 13 July 2011

9 deadly phrases men use.

I read an article on the facebook page of a friend of mine about the 9 deadly words women use, knowing that there are two sides to a coin, this is for the ladies………..and men too, lol
It’s Okay: Be ye not deceived lasses, when he says it’s okay or ‘ I don’t mind’, it’s really not okay, and he actually minds……….like really minds, like its way off his comfort zone, actually, you mostly hear this when he’s still chyking you, when he knows that there are other prospects on the line, after he’s gotten you, you start hearing stuff like, ‘why don’t we……that way, we both win’, you only hear ‘it’s okay’ again either on vals day or your birthday………
Whatever you say: Assuming you both want to go out this weekend and you want the movies but he wants to swim, he gives you 5 reasons why, and you give him 10 reasons  why the movie is bera, then he backs out and lets you have your say, but note, If anything goes wrong, it on your ass!
If it makes you happy: Ol’ boy this is more deadly than number 2, note, if it makes YOU happy, he never said, ‘if it makes you happy, it makes me happy’, we just kinda always complete the sentence ourselves! Now If it makes you happy that you both go for Kike’s gig and it turns to be boring and you come back sighing and cursing and then he feels like he wasted his time trying to make you happy and you turn around cursing and sighing and feeling guilty……………..see!
Fine: two aspects to this ladies, there’s the ‘fine’ as a complement and there’s ‘fine’ as a reply and they are both not good………….duhhh, check the title, don’t mind me. When you ask him how you look in your  5 figure costing hairdo or your new Ferragamo or Vera wang outfit and all he says is fine, there’s trouble men, even though he stresses the syllables and says ‘fiiiiiiiiiine’, still same thing dear, he has mentally calculated how much you spent so when next he asks for a lil help with a project, you can’t say you can’t. As for ‘fine’ as a reply, whenever you ask about something that naturally demands a story-like answer and he says ‘fine’, girl, leave the man alone!
Jiffy: Ok, help me out here, how can you quantify ‘jiffy’ on the clock, we only have minutes, seconds and hours, right, so that gives him all the time  in the world, all he’ll ever need, so when he’s just closed from work on a Friday and he says he’ll be home in a ‘jiffy’, don’t bother , he’s with the hommies
Baby: I don’t know why men feel that ‘baby’ is a magic word that can lighten every matter and get them out of their mess…………… forgot it was our anniversary even after having homemade 3-course candlelight dinner and you think calling me ‘baby’ will get you even a hug……… forgerrrrrrit!
Looking away: I know this is an action but babe this is a very audible action o! He’s like……….really, ………c’mon……….. you can’t, you wouldn’t  really pick Sucker Punch over Fast 5, then he hesitates and says ‘If it makes you happy’, y’all know what that means right.
Soooo: Yea, soooo is different from so, soooo simply means, conversation’s getting boring and he’s getting out of ideas, so means he’s still waiting for a favorable reply, note, ‘favorable’
I appreciate: Dude doesn’t appreciate jack, just saying this cause he thinks you expect him to, just trying to get you, I mean, if he appreciates your finger, you’ll show him your hand soon enough….
Haha, gotcha guys, I’m so sorry I had to spill ya beanz, still love y’all :-)

Yours……………..ever loyal


Friday, 8 July 2011

Common Sense is not common

Uhnnn, my dearlies, I’m so sorry, I’ve been away hustling for a new I.T placement oh, and fortunately for us it clicked, thank God.
Ehhnnn, down to today’s matter, I’m sure the topic is not really new, but really common sense is not common oh, I always heard comedians joke about it but I have never really experienced it. Some people are just agbayas, I mean some things shouldn’t be done.
I took time out to enlist some of my top annoying ones
           ´          Blowing your nose in public. I mean c’mon even from nursery school we are taught to go to the toilet and do our business, but today I still see agbayas furiously blowing their nose in an office environment and giving you that haven’t-you-seen-someone-blowing-their-nose look! Like seriously, in an office.
           ´          Answering calls with a loud voice. This is sickening, they don’t even mind that they are discussing private matters, they’ll still speak as if they are quarrelling with the person on the other line, ‘ehheen, tell Nneka to warm the bitter leaf soup oh, yesterday it was tasting sa-ward and tell the pastor about the strange dreams I’ve been having....yes, especially the spirit wife’. The funny thing is that when they see how calls are meant to be answered (in a low voice), they start asking what the person is secretive about!
           ´          Peeping or outrightly staring at another person’s screen (computer or phone). Haba, I think this is the long term result of exam malpractice, even at old age, they just have to still copy the next person, stop looking at my computer, if you want to know what I’m doing, just ask, no be exam.
           ´          Constantly disturbing when someone is in the toilet. As in you have knocked and there was an answer, and you still come back 5 seconds later and ask, are you still there…….’no, it’s the shit talking to you’, I think the idea of locks to public rooms is to show that the room is either in use or out of use. If you can’t wait, go use another, DO NOT DISTURB shikena.
           ´          Shouting private answers publicly. This should be the worst, kai, I have seen this first hand. I was at my mum’s office when this pretty ‘aunty’ walked in, greeted everyone and walked up to Mrs. ShoutALot and whispered something in the latter’s ear to which she (Mrs. ShoutALot) shook her head and then ‘aunty’ turned to leave, when she was exactly at the middle of an office filled with young men, Mrs. ShoutALot then shouted ‘Oh Simbi, I think I’ve found one, come and take the pad, Is it heavy flow’, I still feel embarrassed for that aunty, she managed to feign a smile refusing the offer while managing to walk straight to the door as all the men gave her stares that could virtually speak.
These are just a few of mine, I’ld love to hear yours



Friday, 1 July 2011


No, Dozie is not the name of my latest crush and no, he’s not the name of my dream guy, Dozie (Dozy) is actually a noun (you remember that thing they taught in primary school, name of a person, animal, place or thing) it’s a name given to someone caught in the act of dozing……..mhmmm yea those nasty nods you do in public lecture and some lecturers class and sometimes even in Church (don’t even deny it).

So, I would not say I have never been a Dozy, I’m just not a regular offender…………..I remember my very first dozing……….chai, it was very very embarrassing as per, being a fyn gel n all, I no suppose fall hand and secondly, sitting in front of the lecturer, I suppose maintain to afoid further embarrassment. So I was in the very front row of the teacher…oh ma bad lecturer.  He was teaching those really strange things they teach in engineering math…….oh, I was in 100level, yes, he was teaching a very confusing something, all I saw were Greek letters, like literally Greek letters, all them β µ α Ω £..(oops, my bad), you sha get the drift and then that demonic breeze started blowing, oh, the soothing relief, the peace and tranquility, the way it meanders its way to get to all the sweaty places, the back, armpit (or arm forest) and the……..(what are you thinking now),the hair jore, esp. for the ladies when we make fringed hairstyles, the breeze finds its way to the ogoh, and then everything starts slowing down, the parallel lines in your note suddenly has a converging point and everything is woozy.

And then………….gbaammm, you have nodded all the way to your knees………..mhmmm, the first nods are the farthest and most embarrassing, well, in my case, I didn’t nod nod, like that…………who am I kidding, I nodded heavy, but to the side sha, good thing the lecturer didn’t see me, and my BFFs (Jalabia and 23, those aren’t their real names oh) were by my side and gave me the laughing I needed. Normally, Dozies when caught in the act would laugh it off and try and behave, but in my case………….I was shocked, I mean, I was listening, I knew everything that was going on, I possibly couldn’t have dozed off na, Haba, the last thing the lecturer said was………..was………..errrm……wow, so I was really sleeping. I sha looked around to ensure that my ‘rep’ was still intact and I wouldn’t be used for gist.

Mine was fair believe me, I’ve seen papas and mamas nod their way to clinics, as in, it’s really embarrassing, there was this guy I saw dozing, chai, it was really hooking him, I could see it. It was in Church oh, and I’m so sure this was demonic, like all those movies where demons will come to Church and be konking people and they'll be dozing. So homeboy was trying so hard to stay awake, but his eyelids were heavy, I would catch him literally shaking his head all in a bid to receive at least a Word. But I guess the spirit was wiling but the flesh…….the flesh no gree and so his eyelids locked and abros started. This should be part of the wonders of the world, maybe not the 8th, but somewhere between the 11th and 20th, the amazing thing was that in all his nodding, not once did he hit anything, it was a wonderful scene, twas like he was being controlled from the waist, he would go all the way forward down to his knees and then start rolling side to side like a pendulum! It was an amazing sight.

That one might even be good small, morning devotion is the place!! Don’t even look away, yes you, you have being caught severally. I remember one day we came for devotion and we were all (including moi), nodding shamelessly and singing arrant nonsense. My dad got angry and asked us to all stand up, chai, he shouldn’t have, it was even worse, I never believed I could sleep standing, my lil sis was even worse she was so comfortable sleeping while standing that she dropped her hymn book (as per something left her hand and hit the floor, producing a sound), and babe no even bulge, ma dad saw her and started laughing from anger. Funny enough I remember what was taught that day: God answers prayers, even the most casual of them.
Would love to hear your own dozing experiences, don’t just come here and laugh at

Yours……………wide awake


Tuesday, 28 June 2011

Step into my head

Yes step into my head. These are just some random thoughts of mine which I think should have answers, maybe factual, maybe not.

I wonder why people think real born again Christians are all boring and the once who are funny are not serious once. Like, seriously, don’t dull it oh, I can show you Holy Ghost filled, tongues speaking, baptized in River Jordan, Born again again pips who will give basket mouth and co a run for their money…………..Pastor Lanre Oluseye I hail oh. As in sometimes I just feel these are part of the very numerous lies the devil tells, sha that one dey.

What exactly do blind people see (I mean the ones born blind)………ok I know they are BLIND, duh, but seriously, I want to know what exactly they see, white or black, bright light or crippling darkness and don’t just blurt out and say darkness, I don’t think you can teach colours with Braille!

Would be nice to know the chemical formula of pepper, we all know salt as NaCl, ‘manggi’ as spiced salt, crayfish as………duh, crayed fish, curry as anything our aboki friend mixes and has a yellow colour, suya pepper as…….errr pepper meant for suya, but with which we can make heavenly  indomie J. You can complete the list, I remember one time in Gulder Ultimate Search when serious owu was blowing in camp and the chef suggested they use curry to give the supposed egusi soup he made the desired colour! Necessity truly is the mother of invention.

I wily wily wonder who started all these yeye old wives’ tales:
          ´          That if a frog jumps over you, you’ll turn to a boy. Kai, *shakesheadinshame* I confess to falling victim to this treacherous lie, I should have been 8 or 9, but I was young and naïve (so don’t chop me) and we had a mini veggie garden at the backyard, it was raining season so that equaled fresh ugu which equaled veggie soup which equaled eba frequently occurring on the food timetable for the rest of the season, so we went-a-plucking, and just as I had entered the middle, I saw one of the highest leaps ever attempted by an amphibian, you know how adrenaline makes you do stuff bera, It made me see this leap in slow-mo and believe me, this should be the biggest frog ever, twas quite fat, ugly and lazy and I could almost swear that I saw it grin at me. As soon as this happened, I ran as fast and as directionless as a mad woman throwing my hands in the air in utter fear and viciously grabbing my crotch as I didn’t want to turn to a boy! You can laugh all you want, but I was terrified.
          ´          That the devil urinates in an uncovered yawning mouth……….yesso I kid you not, I heard this from a grown educated woman
          ´          That if you walk backwards, you’ll bring death and bad luck………….hmmn, but MJ was the king of the moon walk, little wonder abi, I did not say anything oh
          ´          That if you fish on a Sunday you’ll turn to a monkey……….I wonder why there aren’t monkey zoos in the Niger-Delta regarding the fact that this peeps fish day in, day out, Christmas in, Salah out.
          ´          If a man eats the head of a rat, he becomes a thief…..mhmmm; I don’t think our dear fwend from the Nat. Ass. De2 Banks ate any rat’s head oh, I did not say anything oh
          ´          If a woman dreams of being beaten by a snake she has conceived!…………………….no comment.
          ´          If a male tastes a meal from the ladle, he’ll never grow a beard……….. I’m waiting for my brother to grow up and prove this wrong.
I would want to hear silly  and random thoughts of yours or even answers to mine.