Step into my thoughts 2

Yello dear readers, Step into my head is a series of my random thoughts,we had the first one here. I will be pouring them out occasionally and we would also love to hear your own thoughts too.

• What is it that people are always chewing in their sleep? Seriously speaking oh, and I'm not talking about all dem Africa magic, Nollywood  kinda sleep, I'm talking real life sleep, 'on the job' sleep or even the type of sleep we call 'crash'. The other day I happened to be in the room while my sister was sleeping and she was trying to change her position when I noticed her moving her mouth and making noises in the same manner as seen when eating a delicacy and to crown it all, after chewing, my lovely sister swallowed, and I kid you not, she actually swallowed. I had to leave the place cos the laughter that would follow would definitely wake her up. And no one needed to tell me that, that sleep was sweet! 
• TGIS : stop googling it joor, TGIS simply means Thank God It's Sunday. I know some of you are wondering how TGI can ever be followed by a day such as Sunday, well it should, and dats my own contribution to the growing world of 'laziness inspired abbreviations'. Who even started this whole madness sef, it's everywhere, even for serious matters like consoling the bereaved, we see things like TH, meaning Take Heart, or BS meaning Be Strong......ok, I just came up with those, but don't be surprised if it is already a thing. There are even the ones that drive me nuts, like 'k', what in God's name happened to the 'o' or even the 'ay' behind the 'k'.
• This is quite true though

And then they push guys to extents that they do this

Just to impress, na aw oh 

• Ehennnn, I recently heard a song oh, I hear it's by Justin Beiber oh, dat the name is ehnnnn.....as long as you love me. Hmmmn, Justin shouldn't come to Nigeria and be singing that song oh, imagine lines like.

'As long as you love me, we can be starving, we can be homeless, we can be broke, as long as you love, you'll be my platinum, you'll be your silver, you'll be gold.

Hmmm, I have no words to say.....we can be homeless, hmmn, brother Justin, no be so for naija oh, I'm sure dat song won't even trend in naija, here, homeless, starving and he even just summarized it all and said broke, Kai Kai, wen your mates are singing 'you MUST chop my money', you are inviting the poor babe to poverty. He didn't even make it subtle like MI and Waje. Justin, stop am if na joke oh.

I also understand the idea of introducing oneself saying 'my names are......', I feel its veryyyyyy wrong, a name (full name) consists of a 1st and last name, though different, they are still one and the same person, its just that, the more the number of names, the more specific and distinct the identification. Infact that is one of my greatest and 'hughest' (if there even a word like that) turn offs for me, what is 'my names are.....', kai #shrughs in irritation, but I think that one is even better, what in God's name is 'I am ......by name', before
Nko, are u Akpors by specie, abi are you Akpors by gender, what happened to the simple, 'my name is.....' or 'I am.....'Finish, not some yeye English
And i am sure it is one over sabi lesson teacher that started that revolution,chei, Naija my country! Only God can save us sha 


  Yours.......thoughtfully,

A.D

Win BIG!!!

Ok, it's that time of the year again, it's that time to nominate bloggers for the Nigerian Blog Awards. Dear GNG memoir readers, this is the first time I'll be asking for this, it's a good thing to have awards like this you know :)


Please my dear readers, nominate memoirs of a good naija girl in the Nigerian Blog Awards on the site http://nigerianblogawards.com/register.php


The ones I'm eyeing are

Best new blog of the year
Best humor blog

Kpere, I'm not selfish, I just want those two, finish.
I know I've being off the scene for sometime due to final year things, but lemme just remind you guys of some your favorite posts.

Dear future husband
Dozie
9deadly phrases men use
Pretty women are overrrated
Crushed
Enter-scare-ment.

So, pleaseeee, Pweeti please, nominate me :)

Yours........sincerely
A.D

'Posting'

No, I'm not talking about the upcoming NYSC postings or whatever in your head, I'm actually talking of 'posting'.

Posting - the act and process (trust me, it's both) of being rejected for employment.

Poster- this is the agency or company for which you seek engagement 

Postee - you, who is being posted.

Ever since my search for a 'something-to-hold-body' kind of job, I've come across different people, situations and of course 'postings', I'm still waiting, hopefully believing what they said, even when I know the implied meanings of their yarns, #sighs.

So, today I'll share my insight on some very common favorites of the 'posters'

'Thank you for your application, we will get back to you'

Translation: kpele dear, we know how much it cost you to pay that guy to arrange your CV, he tried oh, but, he also did the same for one-third of the other applicants.

'Very impressive, we will get back to you'

........note how all the posting lines all end with .....we will get back to you.

Translation : beautiful CV, wonderful cover letter, but, Kai, my oga has already put his niece in that position. Keep hunting, you will survive.

'We are not hiring right now, but I'll keep you in mind'

Do you really need a translation, this is as plain as it gets, even though you know that Usman told you they are hiring and he just got his niece a spot.

All the above are postings on initial application, now these ones are after maybe an interview or two

'We ( I ) would really want to work with you, you are what we are looking for, we would give you a call for the next stage'

Translation : now this is very tricky, fact is they might actually want to have you on board, you might indeed be what they are looking for, buh all that one na tori, get on your lappy and start resending applications because you have just been posted, and on a very long thing. 

'The position has already been filled'

Yes oh, this is a posting line, even after passing the exam and one interview, and I don't think you need a translation for this too but if you insist

Translation : how the hell did you get this far, abeg give us chance, more valuable people are waiting.

Also I noticed that contrary to popular beliefs, there are jobs in Nigeria, there just aren't enough qualified candidates for the job. How can you say you are an accounting grad with the very common 1st class honors and you don't even know where debit side should be in a balance sheet! 

Oh yea, another thing about this job hunting of a thing is networking, though it has carried on various non dignifying names like 'long legs', it is a very important tool, I know some people will start giving me some funny eye gestures, but lemme ask this question

Why would you call getting a job through a friend I met at a conference corruption but call getting the same job through Sister Nkechi in church 'favour'? Answer me oh.

The world is changing dear GNG memoirs readers, please don't get left behind, adapt.

Yours.......soon to be poster 

A.D

Ojuju

Saying I'm sorry wouldn't even begin to show how sorry I am, I've been caught up in so many things, some important,some, not so important,buh I'm back now,and hopefully, we'll never know a better yesterday.

Ok, so recently I've been into a lot of Yoruba movies, and funny enough I don't exactly understand the language, I have to be super fast to read the subtitles, plenty of which have errors, and I'm not talking typos or mild mistakes, I'm talking '#?!#!#*' kinda errors, cos you can't even understand what the intended message was let alone, correct them. 

This reminded me of an experience during a class in a summer school I and one of my besties organized just to keep body and soul together, we asked one of our students to write a letter to the local govt chiarman as regards the deplorable state of his constituency and methods and bla bla.......just one of those times u need to sleep small n u give the pupils something over their heads to give u enough sleep time :) So the assignment was given and after I had my fill of sweet 'on the job' sleep, I asked for the work.

Dear GNG memoir readers, I still can't understand what she wrote down, I couldnt even form professional teacher, I just had to laugh, poor child, she had written in English alright, buh it was either too outdated to understand or from sometime in the future, I couldn't hold myself, I'm so sorry swerieee. To worsen the matter, my dear pupil ended her letter with 'your Highness', instead of 'yours Sincerely', or the 'yours Faithfully' we all know, and this is no fabrication, true story. Note, she is meant to be in SS2! It is well with Nigeria.

Back to the Koko of this post, I've been watching more of Yoruba movies cos, regardless of what you might say, I think they have the richest of plots for their storylines, yes they might all have diabolical context, buh even in reality, a lot of things are very diabolical indeed, and ignorance is no more bliss but folly and this is not a post to convince you that all you see is not all there is, but that.......nah that exactly what I'm trying to do

You see the devil is very tricky (oh yes I'm preaching now), that's why I always say, if you don't know any greater power source (Jesus of course), don't mock the devil cos he still has rights over some people's lives.

You see, he knew he wouldnt have dominion over everyone so he introduced civilization, urbanization, all the modern things we believe" Scientology, astrology, all, these things which only believe in the seen visible things of the earth, they confine minds to only believe in what they see with their physical eyes, so when he works in the invisible and does evil, they (non-believers) go back to what they know, what he has given, science, reason, all to find tangible visible proofs for works of the invisible.

Ok, I hope I've not confused anyone. Sha, Afmag Yoruba hasn't only made me more aware of the presence of invisible forces, buh has also taught me that;

.not only do actions speak older than words, expressions too. The Yoruba language is so expressive, every word leaves your mouth in very awkward positions, even the word 'Yoruba' leaves your mouth open.

.all you need to do to remember anything is to stare longingly at the ceiling.

.its possible and very doable to have the same hair do for 12years and it'll not become attached to your real hair, it will even have the same, texture, the same color, the same shine.

.its okay for ghosts to have shadows, as far as they have powder poured all over their face and they are wearing white cloth.

.until your voice is loud enough to raise the dead, you aren't angry, or in science terms :) the higher the decibel in your voice, the higher the Intensity of your anger.

And finally, that subtitles are never 100% correct and thus I've learnt the meaning of some words....

Ma ri e laipe :)

Yours........Igbo and proud.

P.s, that simply meant 'see you soon'

Life after the gate!

So to God be the Glory oh, I'm now a graduate of petroleum engineering from a vewi.....controversial higher institution. Let's not go into the details buh, it's the the best private university in Nigeria......see, I told you it was quite controversial, I can see you yimuing at your screen. Arrange your face joor.
Ehnn, as I was saying, June 29 was the historic day oh. Firstly, I never imagined the kind of exhaustion I experienced that day, Jisoxxxx just convocation oh, I'm too scared to imagine wedding sef. It was very memorable, got lotsa awesome gifts and money too ;)


So....I'm back now, and as scary as it sounds, even though I'm still waiting to serve, I'm unemployed, and....damn, this life is not what I envisioned, now I understand why it is believed that students are more buoyant than the unemployed.
It's been a week since I got back home and I guess I've completed my initiation into the brother.....sorry 'sisterhood of the convertible couch' (SCC), u know, convertible couch, in the sense that even though it's a couch, it can be transformed to absolutely anything.....except for *the white house*.


Having gone through the initiation process, i think I should pass the knowledge to intending members ;)

Now the choice of couch should be chosen carefully, anything leather is an absolute no-no. It has a way of making you uncomfortable, and at the sisterhood. We can't have that cauz our motto is 'no place like home' :)



Depending on your membership, choose your couch, for short time members like me, we use couches, really soft warm, cotton fabric upholstery, buh for very long time members, y'all allowed to upgrade to a bed, u know what I mean ( hehehe;) )



Since I'm only a short time member, I only know abt my pips ;)
Now to my fellow couch comrades *raises clenched fist in the air* your couch of choice should at least be able to sit 2, I.e a 2-seater, be close to the essential rooms of the house (restroom and kitchen) and should compulsorily have space for the remotes, yea remotes cos you'll be doing lots of surfing on TV and if you are home alone and dont have younger ones to use like me...you'll definitely need a mobile remote holder both for Convinience and function :)



Other gadgets needed includes your laptop or iAnything, iPad preferably, your phone which must be Internet enabled and, hmmnn........oh yes, recharge card so you can call other pips in the house to get your your food, I mean, i don't think u'ld want to walk allllll the way to the kitchen everytime you need to chew or actually eat :)
So now you have your gadgets, your 'couch sweet couch' and...I think you are good to go.



And to those who think this package is quite demanding and can't quite afford to enjoy this bundle, never mind, there's the weekend package :) same rules, shorter enjoyment, I personally recommend this, I mean, laziness has saved some people's lives ;)




Yours......from my couch



A.D

....So, its Time To Go

Warning: this post is a result of my findings of a particular group of people, events and situations may not be easily relatable.....buh its a good read though :)

 So, when its time to go and Im sure some of you’ll have ur 'stabbing' schedule all planned out….well, from some who’s passed through probably the most dynamic of them all, DON’T STAB, but, if you happen to arrive at the venue way after ‘fashionably late’, its prolly better, u just turn back, cos Im sure u’ve realized for yourself that in ur school, its better never than late and there’s no joke intended in that.

So, as an eagle….wow, it feels awesome typing that, as an eagle, I’ll be dropping some tips for our upcoming eaglets for surviving this season, you might find some of them funny, buh it’ll be great service to u if u heed them…..no matter how silly.

Point 1: Get an alarm clock, this might sound flimsy n casual, buh trust me, going to bed by 4am, n having to wake up by 6am for church service is no joke, u’ll truly experience what Paul the apostle said meant wen he said, the spirit is willing, buh the flesh is weak!

Point 2: its time for a carry-on shoe, carry-on tie, carry-on blazer, yeah u heard me right, carry-on, something u can put in your bag, laptop bag, handbag, anything, I mean, since u know not the hour or the venue, buh u know that u must appear properly clad in ur royal raiment, its only wise to ‘be prepared’

Point 3: develop a strong sense of hearing. Both for audible sounds and inaudible sounds, there no other situation that’ll describe keep ur ears to the ground than this…….I mean, u could even try hearing people’s thoughts too ;), cos at this period, the hall attendant isn’t the only one who gives reliable info, ur next door neighbor might just have a more reliable info.

Point 4: Forget what Oxford says, solemn can also mean strange, unusual in addition to…..I can t even remember what Oxford says it actually means. Buh what im trying to say is that, in addition to the fact that no two words in the English language mean the same thing, new meanings can pop up at anytime!

Point 5: The hours on the clock have just being bought, yea, during this period, some of the hours on the clock are yours……scratch that, all the hours on the clock are not yours anymore, its their school, so its their time, and that means you can be called up at anytime, from 6am, to 12midnight for purposes like……anything….important stuff, irrelevant stuff, anything, oh yea, silly stuff like ‘Procedure for Community Development for final yr students’, and no I’m not kidding, that actually happened, that meeting was for 10pm and lasted till almost 12am.

Point 6:to the ladies, for your own good, come packing……. for the gents, I guess it just means, come with ur appropriate writing materials, but for the ladies, now here’s you checklist

• A very good and big bag 
• A portable slippers, trust me you’ll need it 
• Gum 
• Sweets or chocolate 
• A very good, good book, I really hope u get this part cos this book cant be a boring one. 
• And last buh not least a….or sorry, that cant fit into a bag. Lets just maje that point 7

Point 7; Now get urself a partner, a seating partner, yea, u know what im saying, a…sorta contract partner, who knows that the partnership has an expiry date, someone who would always light up the boring times, buh also knows when to shut up and listen and who knows something serious might actually start from there. It has to be someone new, not anyone from your normal circle of friends.

Point 8: You know how they say ‘a stitch in time saves nine’…..well, when its time to go, ‘asleep on time saves spine’, lemme explain. During this period you are going to feel like u are just going to fall n faint a lot of times……im sorry, u wont, even though, u’ll still have project stuff going on, and then there are training sessions/classes, u’ll pull through, buh, regardless of the time the evening session ends, wen u get to ur room, SLEEP, don’t form superman or woman, I understand u’ll hav pressing issues, buh pls, catch some sleep, here’s y. You get to ur room still try to do some project work with sleepy eyes n then fall asleep eventually only to hv u roomie wake up (5mins later in sleepworld) to prepare for the morning session, n then u r obviously late n u get there n don’t find a seat, n If u actually do, it’ll be a bad seat n u’ll have nasty back issues in addition to the crappy work u did earlier in the morning which u’ll hv to redo btw. So, u see, asleep on time saves spine.

Point 9: When it come to keeping seats, especially overnight, don’t just do it anyhow, study the art….trust me, its an art, see how its done, the places to keep ur ‘keeping material’, the areas to keep, stuff like that, except of course u want ur keeping material missing, n by keeping material, it could be anything, trust me, ive seen it all, from notebooks to ladies pulled out hair extensions, to guys ties tied securely round the kept seat, and this tie’ll most likely be what they’ll also be wearing throughout the next day (point 2).

Hmmmnn, Im feeling quite wise having poured all that 'wisdom' ;)

I do hope u heed them young eaglets.

...............Yours ever soaring.


A.D

The lady in the mirror

I felt u again today…..should be about 9, 10 years since our last encounter.

I thought I had gotten rid of you, but I felt you again today……..the blood rush, heart racing, wicked stammer, visible shaking of the hands, I thought I had gotten rid of you, but I felt you again today.

Merely sitting here, just thinking about it again, I can still feel my hands shaking.

I remember the last time I felt you, you earned me the name ‘slow poison’, which, by God’s mercy was erased from everyone's memory before the next term began. I was in class (this was jss3), minding my own business, and he (*Salam) walked up to me and did something.....I cant even remember what exactly it is he did or said, but I very well remember that within the next 5 mins, I was in my class matron office, on my knees for beating up a boy!

Im smiling now, buh looking back, I still don’t have a stage by stage understanding of how it all happened, all I remember was that my heart started racing, I turned pink, and trust me, this wasn't the good kind of pink, I couldn’t say a word cos I suddenly developed this wicked stammer and I suddenly felt as strong as Atlas (he’s the Greek god said to be carrying the world on his shoulders).
I didn’t actually beat him up, buh trust me, they say I could as well have, the story goes that I hurled a whole ‘locker’ at him (‘locker’ was the term used then for the seats we used in my school).

Though I was still serving punishment, I was still shaking and I couldn’t finish a sentence without opening my mouth to its limits in stutter. I stayed in her office for the whole day cos it took that long for me to kill the stuttering. The only reason I wasn’t severely dealt with was cos I had won best student in her course the previous year, and I was still her best student, plus….I think she had a crush on my dad!

Back to the present and I’m here, and just like the nine-tailed fox in Naruto, charging up, buh I’m stuck, stuck at the 7th gate, pitying the prey to be destroyed, buh then I think and I realize…..its barely 2 months to my convocation, n I couldn’t afford no scandal, besides……life is too short.
Too short for frivolities and too long to leave with the consequences of mistakes made. On everyone’s tombstone is written


‘Yadi yadiyada’
‘1900-1999’


Life is just a dash, putting someone in ‘the hospital way’ wouldn’t make the dash on my tombstone longer or fatter, it’ll still be, just a dash.

So, today I felt you again, I felt rage, but God prevailed


Yours……..ever calm

A.D

Just a lil sumfin sumfin....

*coughs while dusting cobwebs* kai, oh boy see well fed spiders, mehn, its being a while, n I know u don’t want me to yarn extra dust as the one on my blog is enough, oya sorry, e ma binu, buh the truth is that I have very good reasons oh. I’m in my final year oh, like final semester of 500lvl……if u don’t want to understand, then yimu to u, lol.

So this is just a lil something something. I wrote this way back, like 3 years ago.

Priorities


Its my stomach not yours, don't measure my pocket with my plate, I just might have other priorities like a reserve on history's slate.

Besides better rice and beans in peace, than grilled turkey and ketchup in war. Yeah, the one that happens behind the 'convenience door'

A cube of sugar in a jug of tea is the same in a cup pf tea, in the end, its still a cube of sugar in tea, its just the size we see.

So next time you see the size of my plate, just remember its all in my priorities and how I relate


Yours always,

A.D

Yayyyyy, my 1st award

OM blessed G, Ms Infamous of bitemylowerlips.blogspot.com just handed me the versatile blogger award, n u cant imagine how happy I am, I was doing project work oh, but I think this is a bigger project bringing returns way before envisaged payback time......sorry, too much book things.

So the basic rules are;

1. Nominate 15 fellow bloggers.

2. Inform the bloggers of their nomination.

3. Share 7 random things about yourself.

4. Thank the blogger who nominated you.

5. Add the Versatile Blogger Award pic on your blog post.


Here are my 15

woahnigeria.wordpress.com

thenakedconvos.com
chocolatechutzpah.wordpress.com
naijabankgirl.blogspot.com
museorigins.blogspot.com
yemiswindow.wordpress.com
revealingrhema.blogspot.com
temiville.wordpress.com
sarahukot.blogspot.com
intern-unpaid.blogspot.com
jhazmyn.blogspot.com
originalmgbeke.blogspot.com
lightherlamp.com
kaluikeagwu.blogspot.com
wordsrhymesandrythm.blogspot.com

Perfect randomness (7 random things.....get it)

I talk to myself sometimes.......hey, hey, relax joor, im very sane, its just needed sometimes you know, I even hear its healthy sef.....O.k, Im not sure about that sha but sometimes it helps to just speak to urself, you know, especially those times when the atmosphere is so quiet, its over the roof loud.

I loooooveeee art, shout out to one of the best art groups.....heck, the best art group, this side of mother earth, MIEN art, u guys are the best joor, dont mind those people that think all we do is play around with UHU and paint in Chapel till 10pm.

As untrue as it might seem.....I think I am a mushy romantic.....I guess i'm just to stubborn to admit it....note to futurehusband, this doesnt mean you will force me to watch titanic with u oh, there's a reason I still havent finished that movie.....its just too SAD!

I think alllll the time.....like literally speaking, even when I want to sleep, I have to consciously shut those wheels in my head from turning, its like its constantly churning out stuff, ideas, scenarios, fantasies, plenty things....o.k, this is quite funny, when I was younger....o.k, not so long ago, maybe 2. 3 years back, I even used to make up scenarios where I'll be in trouble, not too serious sha, the kind that is probable to occur in my environment, but i'll then come up with all the punch lines plausible to come out victorious! Weird ba, yea, yea I know

I loveee my parents, I know every one claims to, but I actually really trully love those guys.I love them for so many things, especially for the kinda upbringing they gave us. We were not born with silver spoons or any of such, but my mum espacially, taught us how to be content with whatever we had, teaching us to nurse and carter for our bronze spoons so much so that they now shine like gold ones :)

I used to almost be a tom-boy, it took me close to 2, 3 years to completely take the slouch outta my posture, loved rock n didnt give a croocked smile about what peole thought about me, didnt really like boys, they just all seemed like dogs! I said 'seemed' oh, so pls dont crucify me. But thanks to my besties Jalabia and 23, Je sius madmoiselle.

I absolutely Love the Lord, He's being several things to me at different times, there was the best friend/boyfriend phase, the father phase, the Lord and Master phase, in all He's been so faithful, so faithful I know I dont deserve any of His love cos I've been on a roller coaster walk with Him.
Therefore, dear Lord, Sweet sweet Jesus, the password to my life....both literally and metaphorically speaking, I dedicate this to ya mwah.....

Yours.........ever humbled,

A.D

Just a lil humour while we 'occupy'

List of most hilarious church names in Nigerian culled from STREAM magazine of covenant university mass comm. department

Jehova Sharp sharp min

Hurricane miracle min

Healing tsunami min

Satan in trouble min

Fist of fury min

Run for your life min

The yoke must broke ministries……….yesso its no typo, its broke not break, chai *shakes head in pity*

By fire, by fire min

David killed Goliath min

My brother is a Christian Church of God…..ok, I’m not sure this one is real oh

Fellowship of the wings…..abeg oh, doesn’t this sound like a coven?!

High Tension ministries………..hmmmnn it is well oh

Devil go hear am Jesus min

Accredited Church of God…..wait, wait, lngkmfh, who did the accreditation, National Union of Churches abi, chai, rotflol.

Chukwudi and son evangelical min (igbo man no dey carry last)………it was culled from a magazine oh no be me oh

Ministry of the naked wire

Laboratory church of God

Go and tell Ahab that Elijah is here min…….ok, after that, then…..ahhh, naijerians

God is real min (motto: Jesus no get muscle but he get power)

Fire burn ministries

Jesus the landlord ministries

Happy go lucky Church of God almighty in Jesus name amen…….I was just as puzzled as u are when I first read this

Strong Hand of God ministries

Best spot in the land church of God

Trigger happy min (motto: always firing the devil)

Kasaburu Church of God……remember it was culled from somewhere oh, no be me oh

Seven thunders of Jesus

El-shaddai shall not die ministries

Best of the year

A very merry, bomb-free, subsidy full new year to all my beloved readers. Yes, I know it’s a lil late for a new year compliement, but I still wish you guys the best..

Pretty Women are overrated!!!!!!!

Wait, wait, hold up, gimme a sec, take a chill pill pips *dusts shirt*

Kai, u guys should gimme a break, yess I understand what Im saying.....n yimu to u too sir, but it might be interesting to note that I am quite a stunner myself! but im not overrated sha.

Pheww, ok, yes pretty women are overrated......quick question, who made the standard for beauty?? hmmn, tell me, n I always wonder why, all the Bible stories we have all have Adam wiv some really compact and tight 6-pack abs and Eve with slim, nice curvy shape with long hair. For Christ sake who was there at the age of the garden of Eden, for all I care, Adam could have been some fat, round dude with bushy hair and Eve, a very 'african' woman wiv voluptuous assets all round (I mean, even science points to Africa as the cradle of mankind).

Its quite amazing mostimes to see how men.....no, I think men would already know this, to see how guys would be falling over each other all in the bid to get a 'hot' girl........dude, the fact that she's pretty doesnt mean she's pleasant…..I guess u haven’t seen a fineeeeeee young lay-deh who just cant shut up! Sounds funny, buh hmmmn, I just pray that u don’t meet her brova, I pray u just don’t!

Seriously, Im tired of seeing guys who are waiting to find gurls like......who's the 'hottest' now sef, I dont even know, buh, im tired of guys waitng to find gurls like that in their neighbourhood, all slim n what not, I mean, those gurls where not raised in a country where eba or pounded yam was a steady dinner! Stop looking up to the western media for the definition of beauty.

*mumbling under her voice*, I mean I don’t even understand where and how we got the adjective ‘hot’ as an adjective to describe a woman! Like seriously, of all the words in the English language……’hot’, seriously….shouldnt that be the temperature of the sun! or the adjective to describe soup or something of the sort or even of a sick person body temperature, not a beautiful woman joor.

I know we’ve heard about the ‘beauty is in the eye of the beholder or even ‘beerholder’, but, really, ‘beauty’ is in everyone of us….yes ma’am, even Mr Ibu’s married and to a beautiful wife too! it’s just a pity that the media has so programmed our minds into believing that ‘Mr right’ must be some tall, well built, 6-pack hunk (Dearfuturehusband, im not relasing u oh, u better not get round), yes, he mustn’t be hunky, she musnt be curvy.

God made everyone in His image, so everyone is beautiful, or in the words of the Creator Himself, everyone is ‘good’. Lets try n look more on the inside than the outside……..n I’m not talking about her underwear dude.

O.k for e.g, a gurl might be mighty fine, and might look like she’s all independent and don’t need ur money, but if she aaaaaalllllllwwwwaaaaaays expects u to get the bill anytime u guys go out…..red light,…….i’m saying she’s a golddigger n she aint messing wiv no broke dude!

Its not all about the brazillian hair n the long legs n the clingy clothes n the pointed nose, lets get our standards right before we find out that the ultimate gold was just fools gold!

Yours………..stunning and not overrated.

A.D

Hunting Season

Haaaa, so we had a trade fair in my school and it was just like hunting season, except, this time, it’s the guys that are ‘hunted’ down to satisfy the insatiable wants of the ladies.

So, this year, I participated in the trade fair, so I wasn’t in the hunt, rather, I was an observer….like the referee. To really understand the situation, I would like to let you in on......some of the circumstances at this period. At this particular time in school, it’s very close to ‘end of month’ and the really fat 5 figure acct bal is now a dangerous 4 figure, also for the really sweet and family loving guys, they see this time to get stuff for their loved ones at home, oh, and also the ATMs in school have all been out for a while so Owu would be in the air, and a loaf of bread, would really be manna!

So with this scenario, let’s begin the reenactment. You happen to fall in the category above and its trade fair season, and, my God, I know it’s called trade fair, but I tell you some of the trade going on, is really not fair! (but mine was sha!)

Leke is well aware of the times and season, early in the morning, he just throws on some polo and heads to get breakfast…….lunch and dinner all at once to avoid coming out again! So anyways, he has successfully bought a pack full of ewa agoyin and bread and a pack of ewedu soup (sought out the allocation yourself!) and is headed back to his room, and  just as he is about to step back into his hall, Dele calls out and informs him that his own parents (Dele’s parents) are in school and would like to see him, excited and glad, he’s already calculating how much the minimum amount he would receive would be, he hurriedly gets to his room secures his all-in-one meal and hurries back outside only to find out that he missed them by a jiffy………frustrated and disappointed, he heads back to his room when..…..

‘Leke, Leke’, Shola calls out his name, and, busted, he turns to realize, this was Shola, the gurl he had been tracking for the past semester who always fronts and never has time for him, and he really likes this gurl……Well, the rest is yours to imagine!   

I stayed out long enough and, boy, I saw many funny/awkward moments. There was this……would I say couple,  I spotted them severally, going from stand to stand and the gurl would always be smiling and jumpy after every visit, but I never really saw the dude she was with, her face always sorta shadowed his face, but when I did…..boy did  I want to go and rescue this dude. You know that feeling when you are pissed that someone ate too much out of your food, but it was you who invited him so you try not to frown too much…..Baba was not smiling at all, the dude’s face was like gathering storm! I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry……(wait, I have to laugh)

This is the time when those in relationships are glad they have a gurl, so every other gurl will have to maintain…..except you are the babe’s sister

O.k, so ladies abeg, trade fair is a season to purchase goods and make yourself happy, note YOURSELF, so abeg lets stop making guys miserable during this period, and guys, if you know you are a hot commodity, bera stack up before this season, at least for a ‘worst case scenario’

Yours……….in fat acct bal and red acct bal,

A.D

Dear future husband

Mhmmmn, I hear that you and your friends are going extinct, as all you people think about is making money and sleeping around……I hope you aren’t one of them oh.

I’m missing you already, I wish I knew you now, so we can start the adjustments and changes on time, you know, old yam stem dey hard to bend. J  

But in the meanwhile, I would really love it if you spoke very polished English, you know, maybe a lil British, a lil American accent, but I’m not talking of the fake lekki-british-american accent oh, if that’s what you are speaking, ber ah change it now oh.

Also honeypie, I hope you aren’t bearing any of these names, ‘Darlington ( so your famzing colleagues at work will be calling you ‘darling’ all over the place abi ) Utibe, Ngozi (that name is reserved for my daughter thank you), Chike (I just don’t like that name joor), Ekpeyong (everyone I’ve known who bears that name was mean and short), Nosa (what kind of name is that!!?!)’, I just want to be able to call your name with love and respect and not sarcasm, oh, and I hope I can pronounce our surname, if not, I and my children will bear ‘Chukwu’.

Also since I was 16, I’ve been praying for a strong Christian brother, not a ‘broh’, even the bible says Jesus grew in wisdom and ‘stature’, so gym up swetiee!

Sweerie, I hope you will not be one of those people that will call my blog, ‘that thing I do’, if not we will communicate through the said blog for a month!

Baby, there’s this thing called a shaving stick, I propose you master its usage in certain areas because I will so not be fascinated by the dense forest growing under your arm.

Yes, honey, I hope M.I and Waje didn’t fool you oh…….Im not a materialistic girl as you will find out, but don’t even try that one naira line oh. I’m not saying, you have to be a millionaire or anything like that, because, even if you are still starting out, I’ll be right beside you, but pls don’t be a lazy man!

And ehmmm on the reverse of the above point, I hope you will not end the relationship before we even start out by hinting or outrightly asking me to be a housewife, because THAT WILL SOOOOO NOT WORK! My father spent a good amount of money on my education, we are talking 7-8 digits so no matter how much you just want to see my face, I’ll give you a life size pic of me, or better still a hologram! And don’t worry about raising our kids, as you will find out, my mama did a very good job and she still is in banking.

Babe, I also hope you aren’t one of those people who get angry and start breaking stuff, or else, there’ll be no interior deco in the house, or, better still, when you feel the urgent need to hear the crashing breaking sound of stuff, please stay out of my kitchen! And don’t even touch any of my artwork (yea boo, wifey also paints).

……O.K, I know it seems like I’m over demanding, but don’t worry, I promise not to disturb your football matches, infact, I promise to specially bake for you and chill your fav beer……oh wait, wait, wait, I’m sorry, boo, I seriously hope…..Oh goodness, I’m fervently praying you aren’t carrying a potbelly in place of your tummy, if you are, ASAP enroll in a gym nearby and kindly deliver of whatever you are carrying. I mean how are we supposed to be telling every visitor that visits when I’m pregnant that I’m the one carrying the child!

I’m sorry for that, twas really important, yea, I also promise to know when its time with the boys, and give you some space. I promise to always look good for you, and don’t worry, I aint burning no hole in your wallet. I promise to be as supportive and understanding as can be, I also promise to give my opinions and not force them on you, but I don’t promise not to say ‘I told you so’, when you go against my opinions and something bad happens……

In all swetiee, I’ll be a good wifey.

Yours………….for better, for worse

A.D

Excuse Me Miss….(2)

O.k I agree, guys suffer while trying to woe a gurl…….but thats because they always relent when she’s finally said yes………true or false?

Yes today the guys would feel they’ve bought me over, cauz I will be revealing somethings that might get me suspended from the sisterhood…..

Guys, you know how when you come to her house, or hall and you send her gateman or tell a friend to help you call her, and you’ve mentally calculated how long it’ll take for her to come down looking all glamorous and ravishing and what not, well……..you shouldn’t have, cos she has also calculated how long you have to wait for  her ‘happening’ friends to be home and for them to see and analyze if you are the one (but really, we really have to stop watching all these silly Hollywood movies, that paints the perfect guy as some tall, handsome, well spoken, fine built guy…..cos frankly, he’s already someones guy! Besides a good number of tall Nigerian men are carrying a ‘party pot’ in place of a stomach, and have their English stained with an accent from their native dialect, so wake up sweetie!) and if ‘the friends’ come over and judge against you, sorry boo, no game cos even if you try to form Bobby and Whitney love and wait, you will sleep off in your car, waiting………that’s if you have one……..which might actually have been why you were disqualified!.......Ha, im in serious soup for all these top secrets. But polishing the dull side, while waiting for this, ‘no show’, you can be sampling other gurls, cos, frankly if you are wasting woe energy on a gurl who doesn’t have a mind of her own and whose friends make decisions for her……….goodluck Charlie!

But gurls are not always like that, she might actually like you, as in, she might have actually been giving some emerald, golden green light, some kain confusing signals…….dont worry I understand, sometimes, you just don’t know what we are mean abi, yes, its all part of the plan….we never want to appear available, you think we like how satan used just…….3 sentences in just one appearance to convince Eve …….no way oh, so, don’t worry, just bear with us. When next you go to see her, don’t get all pissed and angry that she took her time, I mean, twas for you u know, I mean, she had to, let me show you......

The moment she was told you were outside, her heart skipped and she suddenly realized she hadn’t had her bath and that she had no clue on what to wear, and when she finally decides on what to wear, her friend comes in and takes the chosen dress cause it was borrowed, (not always the case oh), and then the hunt for a new dress begins again, and in all these panicking, nature knocks, and all that butterfly effect begins to affect her, and she has to use the bathroom for No 2 (im sure you know what that means)………note, she still hasn’t had the bath……..fast forward 2hours and she emerges looking all ravishing and panash and sweet and……….yes, you forget how long you’ve waited. Fast forward again 6 months in the ‘relationship’ and if she waste as much as 20 mins, she’ll come out to meet nobody!

But wait oh, I’m sure you would have noticed that all the while, ive been using ‘gurl’, now for a woman………mhmmmmn that’s a different ball game oh, women don’t gat no time for no woeing, before you even get there, she’s dressed and ready sitting quietly in her gateman's house (ok, maybe not the gateman, but she'll be ready sha), aint gat no time for no sweet words, when she says yes, brother, she means yessss, and if she says no, ol’boy bera delete from her space.

A woman knows what she wants and knows how to get it, a woman…………….abeg before, I wake up to realize that I’m losing some vital organs for revealing these let me end the keyboard tapping.

Yours………………..lovingly,

A.D

Comeback

My good people of naija…..wait, I actually have readers from the Americas and Europe (I no do am o, na Baba Godey)

Its amazing how I always thought that writing was so easy and so……easy and so………….easy, well yea, u get my sarcasm, I’ve not being able to write and it has been quite………ahhh, I missed you guys joor.

Sweeties, Industrial training is over and…..my, are there stories to tell………I might even start a series, ‘adventures of the good naija gurl’ or something.

On the academic side I never knew how uninformed I was…..thank God for I.T oh, did you know how powerful pressure can be? Did you know also that on an offshore rig, in the late afternoons, it’s a usual sight to spot shark circles? Did you also know that offshore there’s absolutely no network coverage, like nada……..forget all that ‘NTM’ adverts, service no dey everywhere oh, did you also know that………oh sorry, I know that’s not what you expected to read abi……

Now to the side you want to hear, hmmn, look at their eyes and ears…… For starters, port-harcourt men are ………I don’t even know the word to use for them, do they think ‘marriage’ is every girls’ magic word? They were just annoying at a point, there was E, D, F, Er, B………no no no, they bugged my life……might really start a series you know. For this post let me drop one.

I’ve always hated players, like really hated them…….o.k, actually I always had serious crushes on them and it was just heart breaking when I knew they were players……you know………

Well, that was lil naïve me, grown and wiser me……I aint gat time falling for players………ahhha, who am I kidding? Sha, you see now, the tables have turned and……….I hate to say it, but, I’m the player now!!!

But before you kill me, I’m a good one, like the ‘good player’, like the girl, sent by karma to play the players……… c’mon don’t look at me like that, y’all believed Robin Hood was a ‘good thief’ and that harry potter and friends were ‘good wizards’, so till then, I’m a good player shikena! But seriously I’m a good player (ok I’ve hammered that enough), I’m sure some of y’all who know me personally will laugh your heads off at me calling myself a player. 

In telling my story, I will change stuff, like names, location and stuff, but the story is real sha.

You know I left my first placement for a new one, remember when I had to tell that ridiculous lie, well, I moved and the new place and it was sooooo much fun, new people, much to learn, all the training and experience, oh yea and all the attention, yea, I was the only female in the department!.......yesso, so you can imagine the fun and favours I got, well, In the beginning, I was the shy but hard-working fair gal, then, I started showing the fun side of moi, and phone numbers were exchanged and I got to find out that a good number of my collegues also stayed around me, so I had couple of free rides, arrive at work with Mr Wa, went for lunch with Mr Zo and back home with Mr Bia……….wait oh, when I say fun side, I don’t mean what y’all are thinking oh……..and I don’t know what y’all think I’m thinking you are thinking………..(confused face), it just feels like you are thinking up things that never happened joor!

While all these happened, I had someone on my mind, my special one, so I wasn’t at all interested sha, so somewhere along the line, I met  J, everyone at work warned me about him, but like I said, I always found myself attracted to men with ‘player’ in their social “CV”, and he also stayed close by, so we became friends, and contrary to what people told me, he was a nice guy……duh, they all are at first, but anyways, before I could say hey, I.T was over and I had to go, and boy was I glad, cos he was really interested, but me, I could see right through him, he wanted to use me, but……karma, she’s good

…………………..to be continued

Yours……..ever commited,

A.D

Awkward Moments

I’m so so sorry dear esteemed readers, this work no be beanz oh, I literally sleep with my laptop bag still on my shoulders when I get home, I’ve been unavoidable busy, pls bear with moi.

 Yea, lets talk about awkward and uncomfortable moments, I have some, heard some, and I’ll love to read some of yours.

• The very famous elevator moment. Mhmm, when you happen to enter an elevator and there’s this very nasty, rotten egg, dustbin smell (obviously its fart!) and there’s this very good looking babe or dude all alone in there already, and for some reason, they start explaining how they met the smell there when you start yimu-ing. (Like say u ask them anything) and just when you are 3 floors to your destination, a very attractive lass or dude majestically floats in, and for some reason, maybe because you were a lil shabbily dressed that day, they stare at you like you did it….and then YOU start doing the explanation wey dem no send u!
• Kai, this one’s so awkward, in short, its embarrassing. You work at a place that claims to have an open door policy and use first names (we all know that a cleaner will never call the manager by name, shoo, u want make dem sack u) and your boss is a good person……….o.k, lets imagine u are a lady and ur boss is a man, you don’t want to give any suggestions, but you notice his zipper’s down and you think, u are actually seeing flesh, just as you are about to speak up and give him a very platonic-no-hidden-agenda nudge, he traces your line of sight and notices you’ve been starting below his belt for the past 2 mins!.............told u this was embarrassing and awkward………….oh it didn’t happen to me oh!
• The ladies will relate to this more. You know when you find yourself in that kind of crowd where you really cant feel the floor, you are literally floating in the crowd. You happen to have finished whatever the crowd was for and you are swimming your way to fresh air, away from the body odours and breath taking smells of cheap, choking, assorted N300/bottle mallam perfume, and eureka, your feet finds the floor and in between that moment of taking a deep fresh breath and taking the first step………..taawaii, another struggling brother who just swam out has mistakenly or purposely slapped your butt hard, so hard, everyone turns to see your reaction………..Well, what’ll be your reaction?
• This one’s funny and awkward too. You just got a job, excited as can be, you actually woke up early, but was stuck in a very nasty hold-up, and then trying to make a good first impression at work, you drive like a mad man just to get to work on time, and getting to a T-junction, you do a very badt chancing and go infront a very tush B.M.W, and when the driver stretches his head from the window asking why, for some reason, instead of apologizing, you tell the driver to come and enter your front now, adding that, if he wants to scratch his car, he should come and drag with your Mercedes 190! You get to work, just 5 minutes before, ‘late’, after being shown your table and all those nice things they do, you are introduced to your boss, and……………..voila, he’s the guy in the tush B.M.W!

I know some of you will just  go to your desk and pack, lol.

I’ld love to hear your own awkward moments.

Yours………………………

A.D