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Monday, 28 November 2011

Hunting Season

Haaaa, so we had a trade fair in my school and it was just like hunting season, except, this time, it’s the guys that are ‘hunted’ down to satisfy the insatiable wants of the ladies.

So, this year, I participated in the trade fair, so I wasn’t in the hunt, rather, I was an observer….like the referee. To really understand the situation, I would like to let you in on......some of the circumstances at this period. At this particular time in school, it’s very close to ‘end of month’ and the really fat 5 figure acct bal is now a dangerous 4 figure, also for the really sweet and family loving guys, they see this time to get stuff for their loved ones at home, oh, and also the ATMs in school have all been out for a while so Owu would be in the air, and a loaf of bread, would really be manna!

So with this scenario, let’s begin the reenactment. You happen to fall in the category above and its trade fair season, and, my God, I know it’s called trade fair, but I tell you some of the trade going on, is really not fair! (but mine was sha!)

Leke is well aware of the times and season, early in the morning, he just throws on some polo and heads to get breakfast…….lunch and dinner all at once to avoid coming out again! So anyways, he has successfully bought a pack full of ewa agoyin and bread and a pack of ewedu soup (sought out the allocation yourself!) and is headed back to his room, and  just as he is about to step back into his hall, Dele calls out and informs him that his own parents (Dele’s parents) are in school and would like to see him, excited and glad, he’s already calculating how much the minimum amount he would receive would be, he hurriedly gets to his room secures his all-in-one meal and hurries back outside only to find out that he missed them by a jiffy………frustrated and disappointed, he heads back to his room when..…..

‘Leke, Leke’, Shola calls out his name, and, busted, he turns to realize, this was Shola, the gurl he had been tracking for the past semester who always fronts and never has time for him, and he really likes this gurl……Well, the rest is yours to imagine!   

I stayed out long enough and, boy, I saw many funny/awkward moments. There was this……would I say couple,  I spotted them severally, going from stand to stand and the gurl would always be smiling and jumpy after every visit, but I never really saw the dude she was with, her face always sorta shadowed his face, but when I did…..boy did  I want to go and rescue this dude. You know that feeling when you are pissed that someone ate too much out of your food, but it was you who invited him so you try not to frown too much…..Baba was not smiling at all, the dude’s face was like gathering storm! I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry……(wait, I have to laugh)

This is the time when those in relationships are glad they have a gurl, so every other gurl will have to maintain…..except you are the babe’s sister

O.k, so ladies abeg, trade fair is a season to purchase goods and make yourself happy, note YOURSELF, so abeg lets stop making guys miserable during this period, and guys, if you know you are a hot commodity, bera stack up before this season, at least for a ‘worst case scenario’

Yours……….in fat acct bal and red acct bal,


Sunday, 20 November 2011

Dear future husband

Mhmmmn, I hear that you and your friends are going extinct, as all you people think about is making money and sleeping around……I hope you aren’t one of them oh.

I’m missing you already, I wish I knew you now, so we can start the adjustments and changes on time, you know, old yam stem dey hard to bend. J  

But in the meanwhile, I would really love it if you spoke very polished English, you know, maybe a lil British, a lil American accent, but I’m not talking of the fake lekki-british-american accent oh, if that’s what you are speaking, ber ah change it now oh.

Also honeypie, I hope you aren’t bearing any of these names, ‘Darlington ( so your famzing colleagues at work will be calling you ‘darling’ all over the place abi ) Utibe, Ngozi (that name is reserved for my daughter thank you), Chike (I just don’t like that name joor), Ekpeyong (everyone I’ve known who bears that name was mean and short), Nosa (what kind of name is that!!?!)’, I just want to be able to call your name with love and respect and not sarcasm, oh, and I hope I can pronounce our surname, if not, I and my children will bear ‘Chukwu’.

Also since I was 16, I’ve been praying for a strong Christian brother, not a ‘broh’, even the bible says Jesus grew in wisdom and ‘stature’, so gym up swetiee!

Sweerie, I hope you will not be one of those people that will call my blog, ‘that thing I do’, if not we will communicate through the said blog for a month!

Baby, there’s this thing called a shaving stick, I propose you master its usage in certain areas because I will so not be fascinated by the dense forest growing under your arm.

Yes, honey, I hope M.I and Waje didn’t fool you oh…….Im not a materialistic girl as you will find out, but don’t even try that one naira line oh. I’m not saying, you have to be a millionaire or anything like that, because, even if you are still starting out, I’ll be right beside you, but pls don’t be a lazy man!

And ehmmm on the reverse of the above point, I hope you will not end the relationship before we even start out by hinting or outrightly asking me to be a housewife, because THAT WILL SOOOOO NOT WORK! My father spent a good amount of money on my education, we are talking 7-8 digits so no matter how much you just want to see my face, I’ll give you a life size pic of me, or better still a hologram! And don’t worry about raising our kids, as you will find out, my mama did a very good job and she still is in banking.

Babe, I also hope you aren’t one of those people who get angry and start breaking stuff, or else, there’ll be no interior deco in the house, or, better still, when you feel the urgent need to hear the crashing breaking sound of stuff, please stay out of my kitchen! And don’t even touch any of my artwork (yea boo, wifey also paints).

……O.K, I know it seems like I’m over demanding, but don’t worry, I promise not to disturb your football matches, infact, I promise to specially bake for you and chill your fav beer……oh wait, wait, wait, I’m sorry, boo, I seriously hope…..Oh goodness, I’m fervently praying you aren’t carrying a potbelly in place of your tummy, if you are, ASAP enroll in a gym nearby and kindly deliver of whatever you are carrying. I mean how are we supposed to be telling every visitor that visits when I’m pregnant that I’m the one carrying the child!

I’m sorry for that, twas really important, yea, I also promise to know when its time with the boys, and give you some space. I promise to always look good for you, and don’t worry, I aint burning no hole in your wallet. I promise to be as supportive and understanding as can be, I also promise to give my opinions and not force them on you, but I don’t promise not to say ‘I told you so’, when you go against my opinions and something bad happens……

In all swetiee, I’ll be a good wifey.

Yours………….for better, for worse